PATRICK BENNETT
Special to the Lampoon
Developments on the now ancient (22 years ago) murder trial involving O.J. Simpson and ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson, have recently made headlines. A knife was found on the ex “Naked Gun” star’s property, along with a slew of other memorabilia leading to new twists in the case. This knife could close the trial for good. O.J. Simpson’s former lawyer, Robert Kardashian Sr., was unable to be reached for comment by way of spiritual medium.
The construction worker, who was referred to as “Indigo Wildflower,” found the knife buried underground on Simpson’s estate. Wildflower found the knife years ago whilst snooping on “the Juice’s” property.
“My buddy Horace claimed that spot had fossilized raptor eggs nestled deep in the ground. As soon as I heard the news I squealed with joy and immediately hopped in my sedan equipped with turbo nitro boosters,” Wildflower said. “I’ve loved dinosaurs ever since I was a kid, and look, what O.J. might have done to his wife was awful, but the chance to caress some raptor eggs? Priceless, baby.”
After Wildflower’s interview with the Lampoon, he tragically activated his turbo nitro boosters off a hillside road in the valley, yielding record explosions seen from space.
Horace was as wrong as he had ever been, and Wildflower was as well. Digging deeper into O.J. Simpson’s lawn only made matters worse. Some of the items that were found underground included: a Richard Simmons workout tape, a tub of Country Crock butter (low-fat), a book on witchcraft and wizardry and, finally, a pink Furby.
These items weren’t similar in appearance, but all contained dark energy. Sources say these items are what attributed to O.J. Simpson’s violent outbursts.
The impact of the Simmons workout tape was known to send O.J. Simpson into spirals of rage. Former friend Bernard Wilson said, “We would all go to O.J.’s for Taco Tuesday and he would just scream at us the entire time. This wasn’t because I asked for another dollop of Daisy on my taco. It’s because he couldn’t complete ‘Sweating to the Oldies’ in record time.”
Linda Cook, O.J. Simpson’s ex-personal maid, claimed he had an unhealthy obsession with witchcraft and at times nonchalantly tried to summon his pink Furby to life.
“O.J. was a good running back, good actor, all around good guy,” the maid said. “It’s just … sometimes he liked to sit in his bedroom nude, within a pentagram, attempting to turn his Furby into his personal pal. We are going to do this Furby style, he used to say.”
The tub of low-fat Country Crock butter was suspected to be the prime choice of topping for O.J. Simpson’s bagels and pieces of toast. “The way O.J. looked at that tub of butter scared me, but also assured me that everything that could go wrong probably would,” Cook added.
It’s been 22 years since former Buffalo Bills running back O.J. Simpson was taken into police custody. The 25th anniversary is set to be held at an Applebee’s with unlimited drink specials.