TRAVIS LEFEVRE
Assistant Lampoon Editor
‘Tis the season for dad bods and a plummeting GPA.
With spring break only days away, midterms and stress have become more common than usual. While this is no surprise, what is a new shocker is that some students are nowhere to be found since warm weather graced the campus last week.
Attendance records show a dramatic drop in recent days, especially in the freshmen class. The cumulative GPA of the freshmen class has dropped down to a 1.50 in just one week.
“I did attendance for my 9 a.m. class on Monday and the room was basically empty. Out of my 90 students, about 70 of them are freshmen,” math professor Matt T. Churr said. “Since that day, the attendance in that class has dwindled down to 15 students polka dotted throughout an entire lecture hall.”
Reports coming out of the freshmen residence halls show little activity throughout the day.
“Not having these pesky freshmen running around is kind of a relief, if I can be totally honest. It’s almost like running a daycare, except for right now. This is more of prolonged naptime,” Richard Hardin said.
Hardin is a resident assistant at Chautauqua Hall, an all-male freshman building, and had some choice words in regards to his residents being nowhere to be found.
“It makes my job a hell of a lot easier. I’m just getting paid the same amount to do less right now, and it’s really great. No alcohol busting, no idiots smoking in their rooms. It’s great. This is off the record, right?”
After vigorous searching, the Lampoon was able to find one freshman, which has now become as rare as a unicorn or a quality sitcom. Jenna Dunwich, a resident of Kasling Hall, gave the gist about what’s been going on in the freshmen class.
“Look at the weather, it’s awesome. It hasn’t been this nice and warm since like, November, probably October,” Dunwich said, dressed up in a tank top, short shorts and colorful sunglasses. “Warm weather is a rare thing up here, especially with that dumb lake effect snow. The warm just reminded us what spring and summer were like, and I guess it just tapped into whatever senioritis we had leftover from our senior year of high school.
“For the past week we just went to Sunset Beach, up by Silver Creek. It’s close, convenient and we’ve been having a blast playing volleyball and splashing around in the water. We don’t want to sit in a lecture hall studying math or looking at rocks. We want to be outside and bathe in sunlight,” Dunwich continued.
Over half of the freshmen are now in “academic probation” territory. In order to counteract the freshmen goofing off, professors and board members have begun discussing the re-opening of Erie Hall as an academic detention center.
“With the amount of freshmen on academic probation being so high, we’re thinking about just skipping probation all together, and just putting them in an academic version of a detention center,” David Herman, vice president of Student Affairs, said. “We can just toss all those freshmen in the dark room, throw food down from the roof and let them think about what they’ve done.”