G. EMMO
Staff Lampoonist
Spectrum may have had the best intentions when choosing the headliner for the Spring Concert (not FREDFest), but unfortunately it missed the mark by choosing the white Boston rapper Sammy Adams. (Disclaimer: not the beer — which you’ll need plenty of to enjoy the show.) Instead of choosing the future self of MattyBRaps, here’s who Spectrum should have picked:
- Insane Clown Posse: It attracts fans of all different backgrounds using magnets — a technology they have yet to understand.
- Naked Brothers Band: Members are over 18 and can live up to their band name now.
- Creed: Fredonia students would welcome this band with ahms wide opahn.
- Rabid Squirrels: Not really a band, just a dozen squirrels with rabies. I’m sure there’s acorny joke about that.
- Lupe Fiasco hologram: Remember the last time Fredonia actually hosted a known artist? It was also one of the last FREDFests ever. Since Fredonia’s ruined our sacred tradition, at least let us relive one of our few good memories in holographic form.
- The Wiggles: When have you ever seen white people dance so well? We could have ended the “white people can’t dance” stereotype and had some good, clean, educational fun in the process! Way to blow it, Spectrum!
- Nestle Purina Pet Care Co.: Not for the music, but just so we can throw stuff at them for making us breathe in that awful stench day in and day out.
- Lil B: Not only the greatest rapper of all time, but also a professed Bernie Sanders supporter. Win-win.
- Justin Bieber: ‘Cause if you don’t. Like. The Biebs that much. Oh baby, you should go and love yourself.
Oh well, there’s always next year — that is until the Spring Concert becomes fun and then is stripped away from us.