THE FEVER
Assistant Lampoonist
Aries
Your free Amazon Prime subscription expired. So did your free Spotify trial. You may want to check your bank account.
Taurus
If you hear someone scream this during the week, don’t play the hero. There’s nothing you can do to save that poor soul who found a dead fly in her Willies salad.
Gemini
Like everyone else, you’re upset that YouTube now has a subscription option. Forget YouTube Red! Just go to RedTube, it’s the exact same thing, I promise.
Cancer
Like the weather last week, your week will be warm, fuzzy and fantastic — until the end, when it gets cold, dark and sad.
Leo
You are what you eat, Leo. Next time think before you stuff your face. Or were all of those Girl Scout cookies worth it, you damn Thin Mint?
Virgo
Spring break is fast approaching, which means the procrastinators are heading to the gym to work on their beach bodies. Instead, work on your summer beach body because, lets face it, you won’t get that beach body in one week.
Libra
Don’t put the paper down just yet. Turn to page three for a big surprise. If you did, congratulations! You are officially the most gullible person you know.
Scorpio
Feel the rain on your skin. And the worms. You know, the worms that also want to feel the rain. One of them crawled on you while you were outside and is now somewhere in your room. Happy hunting!
Sagittarius
One day you’ll make it, Sagittarius. Word of advice: If you want to be famous, don’t look up to Kim Kardashian’s rise to fame as a template.
Capricorn
Have a flashbang at the ready. It’ll come in handy to avoid that awkward encounter with a hookup or when you get called on after dozing off in class.
Aquarius
Don’t stress over midterms. Instead, have a mental breakdown in the practice rooms of Mason Hall. The music majors already use them for that purpose; why not share the love?
Pisces
Nothing says “Happy St. Patrick’s Day” quite like funnel and a face plant in the middle of Temple. Have at it, Pisces!