Aries
Midterms got you down? That’s alright. At least you don’t have to worry about disappointing your parents; they’ve been disappointed for a while.
Taurus
You may get catcalled on your way home from Fred Mart. Lunge at your assailants with the full fury of the heavens.
Gemini
Drop out of college and squat in the White House. President Barack Obama has a soft spot for homeless people; you’ll develop a soft spot for rummaging through presidential dumpsters.
Cancer
It’s time to own up to who you are. Don’t be ashamed anymore. You’ve been hiding it for too long. Your friends all know, and they all still support you. Just say it: “I am a very large termite.”
Leo
Delete Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr and MySpace this week and live in the woods. Develop a strong and unusual bond with a rabbit or a skunk, then eat it when it trusts you the most.
Virgo
The stars met you that one time at a party and every time they see you on campus, they don’t know whether to say “hi” to you or keep walking, but they said you seem like a really nice person.
Libra
Keep on going, Libra! Only a few more weeks until the end of the semester. This is just one short step on your journey to becoming an old, arthritic shut-in who steals from the government and blames it on senility.
Scorpio
It’s time to stop going to strangers’ recitals in Mason Hall just for the free food afterward. You’re an adult. Get a job.
Sagittarius
The Ghosts of Calios Past will visit you tonight. It won’t be too scary — except for the constipation, that is.
Capricorn
It’s your time to shine this week. No, really. The stars are worried that you’ve been eating too many disco balls.
Aquarius
That beautiful woman you met at your vacation home over Spring Break was actually not a woman, but a very convincing sloth. Stop drinking tequila.
Pisces
It’s time to start working out. Run up and down the riot stairs near the library like Rocky to train for the emotional damage standardized education will cause you in the future.