TRAVIS LEFEVRE
Assistant Lampoon Editor
Three things are now certain in life: Death, taxes and the fact that whenever Sarah Palin makes a public appearance, no one needs to make fun of her — she just does it on her own.
There are never any exceptions to this rule, especially when the former governor of Alaska’s house was attacked by a raging polar bear.
While it was recently thought that her husband, Todd Palin, received an injury from a snowmobile accident, it has been revealed that it had actually been a polar bear. The bear left Todd Palin with a collapsed lung and broken ribs.
According to the only pronounced hockey mom in America, her and her family were enjoying a relaxing evening by the fireplace when the bear suddenly bursted through the back door. According to Sarah Palin, the bear also spoke.
The damage to the Palin household itself wasn’t as bad as expected, with only the back door, a collection of hockey sticks and a rack of guns being damaged in the attack.
“I was just pallin’ around with my family and whaddya know, a snow bear came crashing into my house. It came crashing in and, I swear on all that is holy, it said ‘You gonna feel the Bern now!’” Palin said, while attempting her best bear impression. “It rooten-tooten rustled my husband around so badly, he’s gonna need bionic parts, ya see.”
The bear in question is known to local Alaskans as “Snowball” and is actually quite popular among the populous. The Lampoon was able to get an exclusive interview with Snowball about his motive.
“When I heard she endorsed Donald Trump for President, I guess I just lost it,” Snowball said. “I came to Alaska from a rogue chunk of ice that drifted here from the Arctic. That technically makes me illegal.
“I didn’t agree with what Trump said about illegal immigrants like myself. I didn’t really ask to come here, that’s just the card life played for me, and in the end I’m glad that it did. I’m happy here, and I don’t want to go back,” an emotional Snowball continued.
When asked about Sarah Palin’s claim of Snowball being a Sander’s supporter, he was quick to confirm it.
“I love Bernie [Sanders]! He’s great. But my support of him is not why I went on a rampage in her home,” Snowball explained. “My actions were based purely on the fact that, to me, Trump’s reasoning and policies seem morally wrong, and I hope what I did doesn’t reflect a totalizing view on Sanders supporters, because that’s not what he stands for.”
Sarah Palin has since withdrawn her endorsement of Trump, saying she’s “taking a break from wing-ding-slingin’ around in politics.”