MISSY FEOLA
Staff Lampoonist
Well, this is awkward.
Apparently the school was so preoccupied with all of the Academic Affairs emails that it completely forgot to announce that Spring Break was cancelled this year. Don’t believe me? Why don’t you ask all of the teachers that were still here over break, sitting and staring at an empty classroom, crying to themselves.
Due to the mumps virus outbreak, Fredonia thought it might just be easier to cancel Spring Break altogether, to eliminate the threat of the virus being brought back to our school. The logic was that since the mumps (also referred to as the Trumps) have not reached our school yet, if the school were to imprison all of its students, it would physically be impossible for the mumps to reach us.
After President Virginia Horvath signed off on this Spring Break cancellation, there was a terrible display of miscommunication. It wasn’t until the students began leaving for break that Friday that the faculty realized that no one knew. But by then it was too late. It was reported that Horvath had tried to outrun a line of cars leaving the school on March 18, in an attempt to get people to stay. But alas, no one turned around.
Aside from the faculty, only a select few students, who are now referred to as “the left-behinds,” were here in ghost-town Fredonia this break. You may recognize a left-behind by the crazed look in their eyes and the slight hint of fear beneath them.
Some things just can never be unseen.
Caution must be taken around these highly disturbed individuals. A rule has actually been implemented that forbids students from saying the words “Spring Break 2016,” when in the vicinity of a left-behind. These are trigger words that will be banned from ever being spoken on the Fredonia premises.
Other than this, however, everything continued going on as usual, just without the added annoyance of the students. Some Fredonia faculty members, who wish to remain anonymous, threw parties in the vacant off-campus houses that were carelessly left unlocked over break.
“It was all the fun of college, minus the students,” said a professor. “I got to relive my younger years for a week. I will admit, I cried a little when I saw the students coming back on Monday.”
If anyone who has returned from break is found to be carrying the mumps virus, we strongly advise that you either stop having it, or take up residence in Erie Dining Hall. We just cannot promise you that you will be alone if you go in there.