PATRICK BENNETT
Lampoon
St. Patty’s Day once was a holiday you could share with your family and, more importantly, your boys. The joyous experience celebrating all things green and Irish came crashing down before everyone’s drunken eyes.
This year, the United Association Holiday Organization or (U-A-HO) decided they would “pull a fast one” on the population of drunkards claiming they were the most “Irish of them all.” U-A-HO changed citizens’ daily routine on Patty’s day by requiring everyone to bow down and pray to Patrick Swayze’s ghost. This ritual of prayer was carried out three times during the course of the day.
Another highly condoned activity was the tipping of the Priuses. Groups of preferably five or six teamed up to tip over the environmentally friendly Toyotas. Owners were not too pleased with these results. Riots immediately ensued across the country. Group-think practitioner freshman Jackie O’toole said “I had no idea what I was getting into when I joined this group of screaming people. It honestly reminded me of Calios on a Saturday night.”
The green colors that used to signify irish heritage were replaced with a crimson red resembling fresh drawn blood. Leader of the totally non-profit “U-A-HO” Johannes “JoJo” Berkely had this to say about the recent color change:
“Red is the color of victory, red is the color of love, red is the color of strawberry smoothies, but you didn’t hear it from me, pal.” After the interview, Berkely was taken into police custody for failure to pay child support.
Reubens, cabbage, turkey dinner — all these food items were exclusive to the leprechaun’s holiday. Instead, freshly ground beef, shredded cheese and tomatoes were deemed best fit for the tummies of United States residents.
Townie, Prejudice Wilkinson, said, “when I went to a bar with my daughter we expected to have a reuben but all they gave us were a couple tacos and a passive aggressive post-it note with a smiley on it. What is this, Cinco De Mayo?”
Of all the changes made to St. Patty’s day this year, nothing compared to the country wide alcohol ban that was established. Gas stations, Walmart’s, and even Sunnys, was forced to not serve a soul. Citizens had a field day.
Internet celebrity and butt chug phenomenon Jesse Brobro had this to say about the alcohol ban “I was totally bummed when I heard the news man” (Jesse would like to let it be known that no pun was intended with his quote)
Whether or not U-A-HO is literally a cult still remains to be discovered. As it turns out, the leaders of the organization made a profit off of big businesses and used their earnings to take a vacay to Cabo San Lucas. What is known is that St. Patty’s day was horrible this year. Check for them on FBI’s most wanted TV show (if that’s still a thing)