PATRICK BENNETT
Lampoon
Aries
It doesn’t matter if you bought a strobe light and neon clothing. Nobody is going to show up to the rave in your dorm room. Clean your mini fridge; maybe after the stench is gone people will come.
Taurus
Be careful maneuvering on your longboard this spring. You may just fall into a pothole and never come back. Arrivederci!
Gemini
Gemini, close your eyes and make a wish. Now open your eyes and face the dismal reality.
Cancer
You lived up to your astrological sign by eating your weight in Joe’s Crab Shack over break. You’ve most likely been hugging the porcelain and responding to auditory hallucinations since you’ve arrived back on campus.
Leo
You’ll ruminate over the fact that a gorilla tried to attack you during a spontaneous visit to the zoo. Let it go. You, after all, did taunt it with a strawberry Go-Gurt.
Virgo
Avoid going to McDonald’s this week. It’s a trap! Your friends are trying to arrange a marriage for you with a Big Mac (without pickles). Big Mac sauce will be the best man, and Stacey the cashier will call the cops.
Libra
Congratulations, Libra! You’re a senior and on the verge of graduation. Too bad your drunken toast to “new beginnings” ruined any future job opportunities lined up for you. Turns out, vomit is not “in.”
Scorpio
Come and orbit with us stars, commanders of astrology. We have Hostess cakes and champagne. This is a once-in-a-lifetime offer. Be sure to RSVP via Tinder message.
Sagittarius
You will have a strong urge to subscribe to Young Thug culture. Labeling yourself a “booty goon” has never been so humiliating and yet gratifying at the same time.
Capricorn
You might win the lottery this week. If and when you win, you’ll finally be able to purchase a beer at EBC.
Aquarius
Aquarius, your constant need for attention to reinforce your outgoing and hilarious personality needs to cease. The next time you break out in showtune at Cranston, someone may throw a live lobster at you. Duck and roll.
Pisces
Your acoustic cover of Flo-Rida’s 2008 hit single “Low” will be horribly received at your local open mic night. Be prepared to disguise yourself, for the backlash you’ll face will be intense.