Staff Lampoonist
Aries
It’s time to face the cold, dark truth: Winter is never-ending. Summer will never come. It is the winter of your life, so bundle up and shut up about the sun.
Taurus
Buy yourself some dog food air fresheners for your car for when you go home for the summer. It’ll be the last piece of Fredonia that you can take with you, wherever you go. You can find the air fresheners at the Fredonia Bookstore for 33 cents each.
Gemini
The truth that you seek lies within the unexpected. Since this is not a fortune cookie, here’s something less vague: Go be friends with somebody OUTSIDE of your inner circle. You may realize that other people actually do exist.
Cancer
This week, listen to the voices in your head telling you to do terrible things. They may sound crazy, but they might be onto something.
Leo
Release your inner cat. He’s been begging to come out for a while now. Don’t be afraid to meow at your BFFs and scratch at your enemies. Whiskers are encouraged.
Virgo
Check your hair in the mirror at some point, but don’t be too shocked by what you see. The gray hair is a result of the stress you’ve put yourself under. Think about what’s more important: good grades or awesome hair? I think you know the answer.
Libra
Libras belong in the library. You just might meet your future wife or husband whilst looking for books. Make sure to take him or her into one of the back cubicles where you will recreate one of your favorite scenes from “Fifty Shades of Grey.”
Scorpio
Make sure to attend a Donald Trump rally this week. Write 10 signs that say “You’re tacky, and I hate you.” Pass them out and have a grand ol’ time! JUST DO IT.
Sagittarius
Buy yourself a sharp knife, garbage bag and some air freshener. Trust me, you will make use of these items at some point this week.
Capricorn
If you build it, they will come. If you build another bar, the college kids will come. Build it in the middle of campus for students to go to in between classes. You will become rich in less than a day. You’re welcome.
Aquarius
News flash: Your friends here suck. They don’t really like you. Try punching one of them in the face. The stars usually don’t promote violence, but your friends are an exception.
Pisces
Get really drunk, go to BJ’s and then make it your life’s goal to marry the very first person that you see. Extra points if you can get married by the end of the night.