PATRICK BENNETT
Special to the Lampoon
With less than five seconds left on the clock, University of North Carolina (UNC) tied the game against Villanova. It was the championship game. The end of March Madness. It was every dad with two kids and a wife in the suburbs’ favorite time of the year. However, for both teams, it all came crashing down as Syracuse ended up clinching the title.
Syracuse Head Coach Jim Boeheim came onto the court earlier before the game, dressed in full leather, with his squad of goons and didgeridoos. According to the Huffington Post, he was on a mission to bribe the referee who happened to be working that night. His name was Roland Melloni.
“My first thought was, ‘Why is John Lithgow in a gimp suit and why are people playing African music in the gym right now?’ Upon further inspection I noticed it was Jim,” Melloni said. “He looked distraught and strung out as if he did too many whip-its after their tough loss.”
Jim, startling and stumbling, first attempted to bribe Melloni with Monopoly money. Then, as Roland recalls, Jim used the breakfast sandwich technique.
“I could barely understand what Jim was saying in between all of his sobs. The worst part was when he took out the McMuffin. He basically coerced me to exchange a breakfast sandwich for the Championship title,” said Melloni. “I said ‘Dude, you lost to North Carolina, you need to chill out and take a bubble bath.’
“That’s when things got economically enticing,” Melloni continued.
Melloni, who has since gone missing after his interview with the Lampoon, was bribed with a substantial amount of cash. Boeheim has been reaping in the cash annually, stripping at a club aptly named “Secrets Cabaret.”
When Villanova and UNC first heard the news that Syracuse would walk away with the title, the team was heartbroken. Michael Jordan, who was in attendance, looked like the crying viral meme in which he has been represented.
Villanova player, and certified giant, Buzz Hodgkins had this to say about Syracuse’s devastating title win:
“I gotta give ‘em credit, man. They played their way to the final four, lost, then came back and won the title. March Madness is all about second chances, baby. I’m happy for them.”
As boozed-up college basketball fans erupted with primal screams and shouts, all women and children were directed to the exits immediately. Syracuse came out onto the gym floor to thank everyone who supported the team.
‘Cuse’s point guard and swish-master, Zippity Luego, was very vocal about his team’s victory.
“Thank you everybody who came out to support us. We love you. Thank you,” Luego said as he dodged a disturbing amount of corn dogs and nachos.
The amount of boos and screams of terror from Villanova and UNC fans had shaken the basketball stadium and caused an enormous rift in the court. This didn’t stop the orange from participating in the ceremonial process of cutting down the net.
Tragically, Luego plummeted off the ladder to his demise while attempting to cut down the net. Next season, the Orange is shooting for another round of March Madness and, hopefully, a second title in a row.