JESSICA D’NONSENS
Lampoonist
The Panama Papers scandal has unleashed a furor of other secrets that large, wealthy businesses have held from the public. Mossack Fredonia recently came clean about the Fredonia Files — papers that prove wealthy students at Fredonia are keeping funds in offshore banking accounts as a way to earn scholarships and free tuition by “seeming poor.”
“Wait, what?” said “poor” college student Porsche Tudent. “I don’t know where you’re getting this from, but I really don’t have, like, any money. Like, at all.”
Tudent’s lies were shared by other students at Fredonia. All students claimed that they really were broke and have been paying full price for their college tuition. These claims, however, have been debunked by higher-ups in the institution’s political sphere.
“It’s true,” said former Fredonia President Dennis Hefner. “For years, these students have been coming to us, trying to evade full-price tuition, and we’ve been putting their money away in distant locations. We haven’t stolen any of it or misspent anything. It’s the students’ faults. We promise.
“On a totally unrelated note, did you know that Fredonia administrators get tax breaks when students pay for college in loans and scholarships? The amount of privately handled money I used to get from external tuition assistance is out of this world.”
Many are skeptical of the legitimacy of the Fredonia Files, as they were released from Fredonia administration members instead of the students at Fredonia. Not a single student has been held accountable for evading tuition prices, but the administration swears it’s true.
“We strive for our students to practice honesty when they’re here at Fredonia,” said Dr. David Herman, vice president of Student Affairs. “When we find out that the scholarships and loans my colleagues and I make most of our money off of are being used illegitimately, it makes me sad and also upset. I promise.”
While we may never be certain of the truth behind the Fredonia Files, one thing is certain: Money in the hands of the wealthy is coming under scrutiny now more than ever.