RILEY STRAW
Lampoon Editor
When the Fredonia administration canceled FREDFest, the students were left uncertain of the fate of the first weekend in May. Last year, the term “FWIMFest” (or First Weekend in May Fest) was coined, and the celebration known by all students at Fredonia was continued — off-campus, in a completely unsupervised and exponentially more unsafe fashion.
To get ready for this year’s FWIMFest, we all need to note a few things. Because the administration decided to reject all liability for its students during FREDFest, we all have to look out for each other.
“As an 18-year-old adult who understands the effects of alcohol poisoning in their entirety, I think the university abandoning supervision for this weekend was a great idea,” said freshman liberal arts major Fred Fessed. “I’ve been on my own now for just under a year — I comprehend my limits really well, and I’m so glad I don’t have the university breathing down my neck about ‘safety.’”
But understanding your limits isn’t the only thing to worry about this FWIMFest — now, because the university has washed its hands of any of the careless behavior its students may take part in, we also have to understand the limits of everyone else at Fredonia.
“My friends are great caretakers when I’m too intoxicated to reasonably function,” senior social work major Mort Akila said. “When I was a freshman, I had the campus officials to look out for me, and they’d give me water and a stern talking to. My friends now just ignore me when I’m vomiting strange liquids into their bathtubs. They never even offer me water, or a place to sleep that night, which reminds me fondly of how the university is treating me.
“Last FWIMFest, without those pesky university officials to help me,” Akila continued, “I slept in an alley downtown. Take that, Mom and Dad!”
Another thing we should keep in mind is hydration. People should bring a water bottle with them anywhere they go. There’s a good chance that, while you’re enjoying the view of pong tables in front lawns and beer bottles going through windows, you may see an out-of-town visitor who was prohibited from entering a dormitory. This visitor will most likely be heaving on a sidewalk, on her hands and knees, begging for a sip of water or somewhere to sleep.
It’s so unfortunate that she doesn’t attend Fredonia; she won’t have gotten the memo about bringing a water bottle. Don’t encourage any out-of-towners to drink water or respect their limitations — simply pause, laugh and continue walking.
“It’s so important that we, as Fredonia students, really look out for each other this FWIMFest,” said Gerri Rigg, a junior philosophy major. “I love how Fredonia excludes neighboring SUNY school students, friends and families of Fredonia students.”
So to ensure that you’re well-prepared for FWIMFest this year, keep in mind the lessons the university has taught us in regard to the event formerly known as FREDFest: Don’t offer help to anyone (especially FWIMFest attendees who don’t go to Fredonia), don’t take any liability for something that was your fault to begin with and, as the wise adage states, “if you stop talking about something, it just somehow goes away.”