JESSICA D’NONSENS
Lampoonist
Aries
Start growing your beard. If you’re not a man, grow it even larger than your male counterparts to combat the patriarchy.
Taurus
Buy a barrel. Go to Niagara Falls. Step into the barrel. Let the river take you down. Become famous forever.
Gemini
You will find a bright, guiding light in your life at an unexpected time — at night. It’s a flashlight.
Cancer
Be quiet, Tiffany.
Leo
Love is in the stars for you this week, Leo. Start a fundraiser to travel to space to get him out of the stars. Until then, buy a telescope.
Virgo
You’re facing a time of great stress in your life. So is everyone else. You’re in college, Virgo. Life doesn’t revolve around you.
Libra
You will find yourself stuck between a rock and a hard place. The hard place? Another rock. If you try pushing one of the rocks, you may get out eventually.
Scorpio
Don’t listen to your doctor; drinking on antibiotics is totally healthy. I don’t think anyone has ever died from that. It’s just a myth, like Barack Obama and student loans.
Sagittarius
You’ll realize you were born in the wrong decade this week. You should have been born in the ’50s. More specifically, the year 4051, when babies are made only with science and Rambo DLXVII comes out.
Capricorn
Just take a couple deep breaths. Deeper. Now, even deeper. Keep going. Wow, that was a pretty deep breath. Congratulations.
Aquarius
It’s your time to shine this week, Aquarius. Jump in a pool filled with glitter and sing “Be A Star,” from the Disney Channel original movie “Life Size,” by Tyra Banks and Lindsay Lohan. You may end up in prison.
Pisces
Buy a pina colada. Walk in the rain with your pina colada. Remove half of your brain surgically while you protest the local yoga class. This is a proven method of finding love.