PATRICK BENNETT
Staff Lampoonist
Human tangerine and outhouse Donald Trump went missing over the weekend. He was last seen eating at a Little Caesars with his wife, Melania Trump, in southern Texas.
On Monday, a phone call was received by the Lampoon. The area code was Mexican in nature. The man on the other line was Julio Muniz, and he claimed he’d found Donald Trump on his farm — except Donald Trump wasn’t in human form.
For a long time people belonging to diverse cultures and geographical regions have claimed to have seen the legend known as “el chupacabra.” The name for this beast, in literal translation, means “goat sucker,” but Muniz called the creature a different variation of the first word when shooing it away with his broom.
“There was something not right about this beast. It moved really slow as if it had an ulcer or something. Not only did I suspect it had digestive issues, but I saw a blonde toupee on top of its head,” Muniz said.
After Muniz’s interview, the CIA caught word and traveled to Mexico to retrieve the beast. Meanwhile, Melania Trump was being diamond-boarded for answers.
“Diamond-boarding basically is a process that involves taking a socialite, like Melania, and continually telling her, ‘You’re never going on a shopping spree again,’ ‘You’ll never get another dress from Jovani,’ or ‘Sean Diddy Combs isn’t inviting you to his cheese and wine parties anymore,’ until they give up information we need. In this case we were trying to figure out if her husband was the chupacabra. We can’t disclose details,” said CIA officer Cletus Secrets.
When the CIA finally arrived in Mexico it couldn’t believe what it saw. The rumors were true. The CIA named the creature: the Trumpacabra.
“He must have broken out of his cage,” Muniz said, holding back tears, “and built a wall.”
The Trumpacabra had indeed built a wall segregating the white and black goats on Muniz’ farm. This observation is what fully confirmed Donald Trump’s eerie transition into the creature lifestyle.
Eddie Redmayne, star of the upcoming prequel/spin-off/cash grab Harry Potter movie “Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them,” was ecstatic about hearing of this mythical beast.
“I was eatin’ me fish n’ chips, getting off the set of ‘The Danish Girl,’ when I first heard news that this Trump bloke was discovered to be in chupacabra form. I called up my director, David Yates, and said, ‘Yates, my boy, I’ve found a fantastic beast; no need for CGI, baby.”
The Trumpacabra was immediately cast in the film, but not without backlash from hardcore Harry Potter fans.
“I cried for days when I found out,” said longtime book reader and self-proclaimed member of Hufflepuff, Jenny Patronus. “I hate that man more than I hate my best friend Gina for borrowing ‘Half-Blood Prince’ and ‘accidentally’ throwing it in a campfire.”
Yates had to bribe the CIA in order to cast the Trumpacabra in the film. Sources say that filming was difficult, as the creature kept spelling out racist ideologies using dog food and eating the actors’ wands.