RILEY STRAW
Lampoon Editor
The weekend formerly known as FREDFest — and the weekend currently known as FWIMFest — is just around the corner. The question on everyone’s mind: How do I get ready?
Throughout the academic year, students have been preparing for this weekend without even knowing it. Anytime you went to Sunny’s past 1:30 a.m., anytime you went to Random Acts or a gallery opening with a couple glasses of wine under your belt, anytime you participated in general tomfoolery, you were preparing.
“When I was a student here, FREDFest wasn’t a weekend,” said alumna Liv Arishews. “FREDFest was a state of mind. The administration can take away the name, but they don’t have any say about the FREDFest spirit.”
This week, you may notice classmates acting oddly, or you may smell rum on your friend’s breath at 11 a.m. on a Thursday. But alas, these students don’t have problems; these students are participating in that same spirit.
“I remember it like it was yesterday. I was in the middle of Epic and Romance, my junior year, and we had a group presentation to talk about The Odyssey,” Arishews said. “Suddenly, one of my group members fell to the ground like Odysseus’s men meeting Skylla.
“I thought she was just getting into character. Really, she was just throwing up tequila and coffee.”
A good way to really train your body is to ask upperclassmen around campus what wild sights they’ve seen on FREDFests past.
“There were these eight people,” said senior music business major Wren Tocar. “It was like nothing I’ve ever seen. I saw them pick up one of those trucks, those orange landscaping-lawn-mower trucks on campus, and they brought it with them into a dorm, Chautauqua. It was wild, man.”
“On FREDFest, I saw a drunk bird taking a birdbath in what I could swear smelled like vodka,” another student, junior accounting major Sue D. Nim said. “You think a drunk freshmen walks weird? Try watching a drunk bird fly.”
Another manner in which you can train your body for the extensive abuse it may suffer during FWIMFest is to stay drunk until FWIMFest. While we at the Lampoon don’t condone alcoholism, in order to make sure the spirit of FREDFest stays alive and well, you may need to sacrifice important elements of your life. This includes, but is not limited to, your liver.
Whatever your plans for FWIMFest, stay safe in the wilderness of Fredonia, don’t be an idiot (i.e. don’t throw bricks through people’s houses or set people on fire with a bottle of vodka) and have fun.