- RAVIOLI
Staff Lampoonist
A movement known as “Ban the Box” has recently caught a great deal of attention. Excitement broke out when The SUNY Student Assembly recently voted in favor of the idea. As a result, state officials got the idea to start a movement called “Reject the Resume,” which would make employment history and other typical details found on a resume unnecessary in the job-hunting process.
The “Ban the Box” movement will prevent prospective college students from having to disclose any possible criminal history that could jeopardize their enrollment. While this action is revolutionary in terms of decreasing discrimination in higher education, it begs the question: What about when these students graduate and move up into the workforce?
That’s exactly what employment agent Nathan Garnier wondered soon after hearing the news.
“It’s great that individuals with criminal pasts will now have a better shot at improving their lives,” said Garnier, “but what about when they go in for their first big interview? They’ll be expected to present all of their information, and I’m worried they won’t be ready.”
A state-wide assembly was scheduled to discuss this very topic. After some discussion, they came to the conclusion that in order to be as fair as possible to everyone looking for work, it was essential that they eliminate resumes from the hiring process. So began the movement “Reject the Resume.”
This new plan states that an individual’s education, employment history and references would be nonessential and even prohibited from being considered in the hiring process.
“In an effort to become as inclusive as possible, we recognized that its unfair and discriminatory to hire an individual heavily on the basis of their background,” said employer Sharon Lipschitz. “The important part is how we feel about them on an emotional level. You know, how well we can connect with them.”
Starting immediately, job interviews will take place at the coffeeshop closest to the potential place of employment and hiring potential will be determined based on the individual’s conversational skills and ability to create good vibes. No resume will be needed, as a person’s past has absolutely no relation to the ability to be a personable, trustworthy worker.
In other news, investigations are still inconclusive on strangely high death rates occurring throughout New York State. Some leads coming in suggest that it has something to do with newly hired brain surgeons using surgical equipment they found on sale at Home Depot. Others are suggesting that it has something to with the construction workers on site who claim to have started their careers working for LEGO.