THE FEVER
Assistant Lampoonist
To her relief, Hillary Clinton won the New York primary against Bernie Sanders by 8 percent last Tuesday.
After being grilled by Sanders’ millennial following and being on a constant losing streak, Clinton pulled through and won New York State. Based on county polls, Clinton’s victory was thanks to New York City and the surrounding areas, whereas Sanders won most of the mainland counties in New York.
Clinton addressed New York City in her victory speech, thanking the city, but scolding the rest of the state.
“Thank you Manhattan, Queens, the Bronx and all the rest of New York City! Let me tell you, despite what Republicans and most other Americans say, I know what I’m doing. I was told that hot sauce in my purse comment was ‘pandering,’ but it worked,” Clinton said to kick off her victory speech. “And for the rest of you so-called ‘New Yorkers,’ you should have known that New York City was all I needed to win. I am proud of the true New Yorkers for not letting the millennials screw me over.
“I was a bit worried at first. But we can all breathe a sigh of relief now that I’ve won. Now we can take the fight to Wall Street, because no bank is too big to pay me big money. So thank you, New York, for bringing me one step closer to putting me into the Oval Office, where I deserve to be. Together we can move on to win Los Angeles!” Clinton concluded.
Clinton still has a long road ahead before the Democratic Convention, and in that time she could still miss the nomination like she did in 2008 to then-Sen. Barack Obama.
“We’re glad Clinton won New York City,” said Nick Merrill, spokesperson for Clinton’s campaign. “We just hope she doesn’t lose the nomination to Sanders like she did to Obama. She almost had a meltdown for the New York primary; I can’t even imagine how she’d handle losing the nomination. It would be bad. Bad enough to get her committed to a mental institution.
“I don’t want to be too positive, because that’s what happened last time. When that happened, she began to lose her grip in May, then lost. We don’t want to repeat that, because we all know that she’s entitled to this,” Merrill continued.
The next big state in the race is Pennsylvania with 189 democratic delegates and California with 475 delegates on the line.