MISSY FEOLA
Staff Lampoonist
In order to promote her new album “Lemonade,” Beyoncé is participating in an epic marketing campaign — and she chose Fredonia as the place to start it. She will be opening her very own lemonade stand on the Fredonia campus this week.
Yes, you read correctly. Beyoncé, Queen Bey, the Goddess of all Goddesses, is opening up a lemonade stand on the Fredonia campus.
The stand will be set up on the patio outside of Tim Hortons. The time that the stand will open will not be announced beforehand, in order to prevent people from swarming the stand for the first cup of lemonade, which is always the freshest. The approximate waiting time for the lemonade stand will be six to eight hours.
Each delicious cup of Beyoncé’s lemonade will be $75. Refills are only $30.
“I been drinkin’,” said Beyoncé, “lemonade. No, not watermelon. Lemonade. I need that citrus in my life, you feel me?”
We do feel you, Beyoncé. We always feel you. Always.
Beyoncé’s lemonade will be, by far, the best lemonade ever consumed. The lemonade ingredients are lemon juice, sugar, water, Blue Ivy’s urine and a special secret ingredient.
Some have described the experience of consuming Beyoncé’s lemonade as “transformative,” and “overwhelming.”
Blue Ivy will be accompanying Beyoncé at the lemonade stand in order to replenish the supply. She will be given gallons of water to drink throughout the day so that the lemonade does not run out.
Jay-Z will not be there. He was last seen with side bitch No. 1 playing carnival games at Coney Island, which also happens to be the location where Beyoncé’s “XO” music video was filmed. In case you were wondering, Jay-Z won side bitch No. 1 a giant stuffed iguana.
Side bitch No. 2 is currently dying a slow and painful death, for a reason we do not know. Some have been speculating that Jay-Z accidentally gave her a rare, sexually transmitted disease. Others say that Beyoncé may have put poison in her cup of lemonade. The case is currently being investigated.
Come to the lemonade stand and enjoy Beyoncé’s magical citrus beverage. You may be lucky enough to get a cup with Beyoncé’s marital-infidelity-induced tears. Drink up!