PATRICK BENNETT
Staff Lampoonist
Frank Ocean released his second studio album, “Blonde,” last week to a lengthy list of praise from both critics and die-hard Frank-O-philes. In celebration of the R&B superstar’s newest release, Frank, whose real name is Joey Fatone, held a public press conference in the parking lot of a Long John Silver’s. The tune of the press conference shifted key as Ocean appeared and then vanished into thin air.
The conference itself was aesthetically pleasing. Ocean strategically planned for the event to be held at dusk on the night of a full moon. Fans sat by patiently munching on their fish dinners, discussing how “Blonde” was as important as the Bible, Kinder Eggs and the latest Snapchat filters.
Colors were a huge theme at the conference, with Ocean making sure that only cool and calm ones were presented.
“When my fans come out to this conference, I want their eyes to just melt underneath those relaxing cerulean tapestries that a man from an undisclosed location worked on his entire life. I think it’s gonna change the way they see color and the way they see themselves in ten years. Shouts out mirrors and fonts,” Ocean said.
Gauging the vibe of the audience was easy as pie once Ocean burst like a pimple from the floor of the stage. The crowd’s vibe oozed with pleasure and astonishment. Dressed in fully bedazzled koala leather, or leather extracted from ancient koala huts in eastern Australia, Ocean did what he does best. “I should be paying them. I should be paying y’all, honest to God,” he crooned from the bottom of his sensitive heart.
Fans fainted in disbelief that their favorite low-key R&B god had actually appeared before their eyes. However, as Ocean held a beautiful note in a airlock tight falsetto, he vanished into thin air clouded with smoke from vapors. Fans became belligerent within a snap of a finger. The Lampoon tried their best to garner some reactions from fans.
“I heard [Ocean’s first album] ‘Channel Orange’ in my mother’s womb, and it changed my life. For this conference, I dyed my hair blonde in honor of his newest project. I’m only four. I got to see him in person, which is all that matters,” optimist, pipsqueak and die-hard fan Ophelius Smith said. Other fans didn’t share Ophelius’ same sentiment.
“I’m absolutely and utterly saddened that the man would do this to us. Who is he? David Blaine? I took my girlfriend to this conference, and I was going to propose to her. She ended up leaving me for a pigeon!” said heartbroken and newly single scenester Harry O’Doole.
In between sobs and pathetic throws of punches, the SWAT team was called to the scene. “Look, we’ve dealt with some pretty nasty situations: bank robberies, homicides, the aftermath of a wild Taco Tuesday. What was going down at that Frank Ocean event was unspeakable. I saw a grown man literally fill a kiddie pool with his own tears and dive off the top of a Long John Silver’s into it. He suffered crippling injuries,” SWAT team leader Dinko Prowler said.
Ocean’s managers, the Earth and the surrounding stars from above, had nothing to say about their client’s disappearance. Perhaps Ocean is planning the release of another album. Luckily to fans worldwide, TMZ and a handful of other reliable sources claim his next album title is “My Bad My Bad My Fault: Y’all Gonna Have to Wait Another Four Years for This One.”
The rumors about the upcoming album have already garnered maximum critical attention standing at a solid one hundred on Metacritic.