TRAVIS LEFEVRE
Lampoon Editor
Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt has once again wiped the competition, earning three gold medals during the 2016 Olympics. He is so fast that a recent study done by Yale University determined that Bolt is faster than the assumptions made by your partner, or the same assumptions that spark every argument ever.
The study was conducted immediately after the Olympics, with Yale scientists flocking to Bolt hoping to work with him.
“We’ve been working with the math for quite some time, and the numbers were astonishing,” said Dr. Allen, the lead scientist. “We found that he was faster than the comic book hero ‘The Flash,’ but we knew we could up the ante on that.”
Bolt agreed to work with Yale on their latest experiment. With this experiment, he was tasked with running 100 meters in the time it took for test subjects to react with assumptions, clapbacks and meme references.
With Bolt at the starting line, he took a look at his odd competition, consisting of a faulty couple, a dysfunctional family at dinner and the admin of a meme page on Facebook.
The couple was sitting on the couch watching Netflix, the family just sat for dinner, and the meme poster just logged on to the computer.
“We wanted to see how he would fare in a variety of circumstances,” said Dr. Allen. “The boyfriend received a vague text for the girlfriend to see.
“The family had to argue their differing political views, and the meme poster had to find the perfect meme. Mr. Bolt had to beat all of them as the ultimate test,” Dr. Allen continued.
Wiping the sweat from his forehead, the starting gun fired and Bolt was off.
“At the twenty-five meter mark, the family had just begun discussing politics,” said Dr. Allen. “We chose a family with heavily differing political views. The father is a conservative, and his son is way to the left.”
Once Bolt hit fifty meters, the vague text came through the boyfriend’s phone, reading “Hey.”
At seventy-five meters, the meme admin began to download the meme he found to be perfect.
Bolt crossed the finish line just mere moments before “Who the hell is ‘Mom’? Are you cheating on me with this bitch?!” echoed throughout the stadium, followed by the meme poster who found the Golden Pepe.
Last but certainly not least, the politically dysfunctional family sprung into a full-scale argument when the father called his son a socialist.
The Lampoon was able to meet Bolt to share his thoughts on the triumph.
“I am extremely humbled by this victory,” said Bolt as he wiped his sweat-drenched face. “Now I know that if I ever get into an argument with my girlfriend, I can run faster than she thinks. That’s a valuable skill to have.”