V. RAVIOLI
Staff Lampoonist
Throughout SUNY Fredonia’s history, money and budget cuts have been a constant source of contention. With the new school year in full swing, Fredonia’s school administrators are right back to agonizing over whether funding should go towards campus employee wages or better things like the next gargantuan, five-year construction project.
After dishing out nearly $100 million on the Science Center and the Rockefeller addition, Fredonia has found itself to be in a bit of a financial pickle. The unfortunate result of this is the cutting back of hours for the already broke student employees.
FSA worker Anita Jobbs voiced her frustration in a recent interview.
“I already sold one of my kidneys to pay for my textbooks this semester. The least the school could do is give us work and maybe, I don’t know, auction off some of those hideous sculptures littering the campus,” she said.
Financial adviser Harry Pitts responded to Jobbs’ statement.
“I understand the burden of poverty, but if the students actually cared about their education, they wouldn’t be so focused on the sweatshop-level jobs offered by FSA. If they applied themselves and skipped a meal or two every day, they could get the absolute most out of their schooling and worry about employment after graduation,” said Pitts.
Some mystery person, however, took great heed to the student’s words. A few days after the interview, students were seen flocked between Reed Library and Jewett Hall. They were staring at a large, rectangular patch of dead grass. It appeared “Suitcase,” the sculpture created by Steven Siegel and composed entirely of garbage, was stolen in the middle of the night.
As if that wasn’t odd enough, the Financial Aid Office employees were greeted by a generous check in the mail: $5,000 to be precise. It doesn’t sound like much, but Administrator Robin Monét mentioned, “After our annual financial purge, we need all money possible, no matter the source. Sometimes we even infect the water with Giardia protozoa and take the profits from LoGrasso when students flood the building for treatment.”
Along with with the check was a copy of a receipt from a Tops Friendly Markets bottle return. The morning news revealed that a couple of nights ago, a masked individual was spotted in a Tops parking lot driving a pick-up truck with a mountain of plastic bottles and mangled snow fencing.
After an eventful first week back, most of Fredonia’s residents are pleased with the turn of events. There’s a little more space outside, a little less BPA seeping into the soil, and the school has enough extra money to keep all of Fredonia’s student employees working for another month.