V. RAVIOLI
Staff Lampoonist
Dear Innkeeper,
As you know, we essentially have one of the most intimate relationships anyone can ever experience. You’ve shared your deepest darkest desires with me, whether I asked to know them or not. One of which, if you don’t mind me mentioning, is your absolutely atrocious penchant for Fredonia’s Centre Pointe dining options.
Let me start by saying that your long-term addiction to fiber-infused smoothies, along with fried foods that could back up the Nile, has put unwarranted stress on me. I’ve been continuously working overtime to ensure that the plumbing in here runs smoothly and began to feel that you were taking my services for granted.
That being said, when the Williams Center dining area experienced sewage issues forcing you to renew your ungodly diet, it was as if the heavens had opened up and swept away the hellish, tar-like interior of your inner-most workings. I felt like a whole new colon and wanted to thank you for that three-day reprieve.
When we first encountered this seemingly glorious buffet, I was fairly pleased. In your day and age, variety is hard to come by, and you seemed enthralled by the colorful spectrum known as the salad bar. You were also ecstatic about having sushi within a two-minute walk of your living quarters. You were happy, and I was happy. Let’s be honest, a bowel is only as happy as it’s owner.
Fast-forward past the honeymoon phase, and things just got ridiculous. Who the hell even decided vegan chicken stir-fry with mozzarella sticks on the side was ever okay? Just to reiterate, fried foods and blended fiber concoctions are equivalent to popping an Ex-Lax with a liquid Imodium chaser. Suffice to say, I had to continuously switch gears to keep everything running efficiently.
All of this is why I wanted to thank you for taking the dining hall’s minor setback like a mature adult (whatever that means) and exploring all of the other food possibilities that were once nonexistent to your palate. For example, when you went to Walmart and bought three-days worth of produce, I couldn’t believe what I was metabolizing. It was like someone dumped holy water through the place.
With my newfound efficiency and all of your nutrient-fueled energy, you surprised me even more and hit the gym for a few days. I loved this because you only made my job easier, and I knew that my master was feeling like a new human.
To conclude, I knew that this new life of ours was too good to last, and you would eventually be back to your revolting ways. Such was realized when the Centre Pointe plumbing was back in order, leaving you free to graze among the other grease hogs. Nevertheless, the two of us are inseparable, and I’ll always care for you in a way that no one else will ever want to. All I can hope for now is that you and your peers’ collectively horrid appetites will back up the sewers again and give me another three vacation days. Thanks again!
Yours and only yours,
Colicky Colon