TRAVIS LEFEVRE
Lampoon Editor
In this election year, every day ushers some new and wild story. After months of a rocky and uncertain alliance, prominent members of the Republican Party have decided to change their voter registration to the Democratic Party.
Prominent conservatives like House Speaker Paul Ryan and Gov. Chris Christie have switched party affiliation for the sole purpose of avoiding Donald Trump.
Ryan has been contemplating the decision for months. At the end of the day, he did what he felt would be best for him.
“It’s become ingrained in my daily routine. I wake up, brush my teeth and Google ‘What did Donald Trump do this time?’ I’ve been doing this every day for the past year,” said Ryan. “I’m getting sick of having to clarify his crazy thoughts. Do you know how hard it is to downplay a proposed ban of Muslims? It’s pretty damn hard to do.
“Don’t get me wrong, I will never support Hillary. I don’t like the Democrats. I did this to distance myself from the political suicide that is Donald J. Trump. His entire platform has given me night terrors,” Ryan continued.
Ryan signed up to prevent a premature end to his political career, while Christie, full of spite, had his own reason.
“I stood by him for months. I stood next to him, and I stood tall to support him for president. What does he give me in return? Not a spot on his ticket, that’s for sure,” Christie said. “He told me that I wasn’t tough enough, that I was a loser.
“He wants Pence? Fine. But he won’t be getting any support from me. From this point on I am reluctantly with her.”
The Lampoon has heard rumors that Sens. Mitch McConnell and John McCain have also jumped ship, but that has yet to be confirmed or denied.