PATRICK BENNETT
Staff Lampoonist
Lately, all the rage and the subject of American grandmothers’ posts have revolved around San Fransisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick. Kaepernick, a Scorpio from birth, sat during the national anthem during a pre-season NFL game. People at the stadium were enjoying their day at the ball game until they noticed Kaepernick’s strange behavior.
“Normally, I just get my nachos, grab my cold beer and remain sedentary for the entirety of the game. Sedentary until that damn anthem comes on! My mother used to rock me to sleep with those patriotic melodies. How dare that man undermine our values. Hold my beer,” die-hard NFL fan Clayton Violeta said. Sadly, after Violeta’s interview he passed away from what doctors call “nacho overload.”
“Truth is, I just needed to chill for a minute. I had been up all night playing ‘Just Dance’ on my girlfriend’s Wii all night. I don’t know why everyone is hating on me for a lil’ relaxation time. I need me time too,” Kaepernick said about his protest.
Republican nominee for president and human dumpster Donald Trump even went as far as telling Kaepernick to “find his own country,” according to NFL.com. Kaepernick, after finding out about Trump’s statement, did exactly this.
Kaepernick embarked on his journey flying first class to his private yacht located near the Indian Ocean. The waters were turbulent and treacherous as “likes” and “shares” of anti-Kaepernick propaganda on Facebook continued to deter the party’s travels.
“It was really dark out. The air was ominous. Suddenly, a tsunami resembling Donald Trump’s face came right at us. Luckily, we were able to power through and land on a strange plot of land,” Captain Denise Applebottom said between large bites of a ham and cheese sandwich.
This plot of land was just what the crew members were looking for, coincidentally clocking in at 49-by-49 square miles of land. As the crew docked the yacht on shore, Kaepernick immediately claimed the land as his and named it “Kaepernickuragua,” a play on the South American country.
“Colin has always been into geography and has a die-hard wanderlust. He’s not basic. One time we found this super dope Buffalo Wild Wings near Pittsburgh that had an all-you-can-drink margarita special. He threw up 40 times on a homeless man in the alley. I’m proud to call him my brother,” childhood friend and moocher Luigi Papayrus said.
The constitution of Kaepernickuragua was immediately drafted in Kaepernick’s “Notes” app on his iPhone. According to the constitution, there must always be chairs available for the people of the country to rest their glutes. Also, chairs with pictures of the quarterback’s signature chiseled jawline on the back were set to be the prime export from the country.
Other clauses included that there must be no mention of the American national anthem at all. In fact, the new anthem, “Kaepernick O’ Daddy Who’s Your Daddy?,” was rumored to be performed by a Twenty One Pilots cover band at the country’s first beachfront bonanza.
49ers Coach Chip Kelly expressed his enthusiasm for the new country. “I’m so excited to see what Colin has been up to. We terminated his contract, but there are no hard feelings. He was always more of a conquistador than a quarterback, anyways.”
Kaepernick seems to be enjoying his new life as a ruthless dictator through the lens of his Instagram. Photos on his account are of puppies, models in bikinis and duckface selfies while sitting down.