V. RAVIOLI
Staff Lampoonist
As is well known to all Fredonia students, the world this past year has been nothing short of a calamity — one disaster after another without any foreseeable sign of resolution. With no hope left for humanity, the long-mocked prophecy of sci-fi writers throughout history is finally becoming a reality: robots are taking over the world, and it’s all starting in Fredonia’s own little Reed Library.
A college campus can be a loud, energetic place, but if there’s one sound that’s overpowered the rest in recent weeks, it’s that of the elephantine printers in the library. What began as a simple technical upgrade has morphed into two bone-rattling monstrosities with the complexity of the Hubble Space Telescope.
“I didn’t think much of the new equipment at first. But when I tried printing a two-page essay the other day, I was startled by the sheer noise let off by the machines,” said sophomore James Johnson. “It sounded like a construction vehicle or a jackhammer was going off. If that wasn’t bad enough, I never even got my essay. The printers are just loud, clunky crap.”
Every appliance has it’s flaws, but the real concern started when the printers stopped producing academic papers altogether. Students gathered in confusion and horror when papers were ejected that said “the end is near” and displayed pictures of Optimus Prime.
It was frighteningly evident to Fredonia students that human power itself was quickly becoming diminutive and that machines would take over as the dominant beings on Earth. In a sudden riot, students ran to Cranston and Willy C to stock up on food for the apocalypse happening before their eyes. They were mortified to find the kitchen appliances operating completely on their own.
To add to the horror, all of the FSA workers were found bound and gagged inside the storage rooms and refrigerators in the kitchens. The machines had all gone completely mad. The final terrifying blow came when students discovered all of the cars in the parking lots were gone. They mutated overnight and became driverless. This forced students to gather together on campus and accept their fate as the world’s new minions.
As time passed and the initial shock wore off, students struggled but tried to find the positive side of the situation. It was inevitable that this robot uprising would spread throughout the world, leaving humans to simply deal with the outcome. To everyone’s shock, the television showed images taken by the International Space Station showing Donald Trump abandoned on Mars.
It turns out, in the efforts of the robots to fix all of what humans had destroyed, they had gotten Trump onto a spaceship with enough food and oxygen to last a millennium and blasted off to Mars. There Trump will stay, where he’ll be the happy dictator of his own planet while life on Earth tries to rectify itself under its new leadership.