TRAVIS LEFEVRE
Lampoon Editor
Get ready for the rumble of a lifetime folks, because “red state” will soon have a whole new meaning.
World Wrestling Entertainment has announced that it has signed a contract to determine the next president of the United States. A new approach is being taken this time around by pitting Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump against each other in a tag team steel cage match. The winner of the fight takes the greatest prize of all: the Oval Office.
“We’re going to win. Everybody says so,” said Trump, prepping for the fight in his gold gilt home gym. “We’re going to beat Crooked Hillary, and we’re going to win so much.
“We’re going to win so much that they’re going to get sick of us winning, and then guess what? We’re going to win again,” Trump continued.
Professional wrestler Triple H was assigned to organize the fight between Clinton and Trump. He thinks it’s the best way to settle the presidency.
“We figured since no one really likes either of them, this would be a good way to hash it out,” said Triple H. “The White House called me up asking if I wanted to put it together and I was stoked.
“I think this is the best option for two unlikeable candidates. We get a clear victor, and we get to watch them bleed out in the process. It’s definitely a win-win,” Triple H continued.
The match will also have vice presidential candidates Tim Kaine and Mike Pence on the sidelines, ready to take over once either presidential candidate has had enough. Kaine has been training for months now, and he believes that he and Clinton will win the fight.
“I’m ready to take on those chumps,” said Kaine as he roundhoused a slab of meat. “Just let me at ‘em. I’ll show them how a real VP does it.”
On the sidelines, President Obama and former President George W. Bush will be coaching the candidates for the fight.
The Lampoon was able to sit down with Bush to see why he accepted the offer to coach Trump, even though it has been made pretty clear that Bush doesn’t support him.
“There’s an old saying down in Tennessee, I know it’s in Texas but probably Tennessee: if you can’t beat’em, join’em. My brother tried to beat Trump, but that obviously didn’t go so well,” said Bush. “So since we couldn’t beat him, I joined him.”
The fight is scheduled for Nov. 7 and is only one small payment of $499 on pay-per-view. For a limited time, VIP access is also available for $999. With the VIP bundle, you get front row seats with Bernie Sanders, Jill Stein and Gary Johnson.