V. RAVIOLI
Staff Lampoonist
Devastating news has been going around about the recent Zika spraying that inadvertently killed off millions of honeybees. What was intended to be a heroic effort toward the destruction of the Zika virus in the U.S. has tragically resulted in an unbelievable drop in honey production and, consequently, the closing of General Mills factories all over the country.
While the threat of the Zika virus had been in the news for some time, significant political issues surrounding how to eradicate the disease began recently as Democrats and Republicans gathered to discuss passing a bill that would put $1.1 million toward fighting the disease.
While the idea itself sounded foolproof, it came with a disheartening catch. Afterall, it wouldn’t be politics without unnecessary obstacles, right? In this case, Republican Sen. Mitch McConnell stated that this Zika bill would only be approved under the condition that they defund Planned Parenthood.
McConnell stated in an interview, “I thought it would be an open-and-shut case. If Democrats care as much about the wellbeing of women and children as they claim, they should swallow their pride and agree to fund Zika eradication and forget about the asinine concept of women’s health for a year or so. There’s no room for any of that feminazi nonsense in Congress.”
Needless to say, this was not a compromise Democrats would easily accept. However, desperate times call for desperate measures, and they gradually came to the realization that fetuses would be better protected through Zika eradication than Planned Parenthood, with all of its voodoo and whatnot.
There was a boastful celebration among the Republicans over their victory towards the abolishment of the Zika virus. This happiness, however, was cut drastically short when beekeepers all over the treated areas cried out that all of their bees had died.
It turns out, a primary ingredient in the insecticide for Zika-transmitting mosquitos is known to have devastating effects on honeybees when exposed. The death of these bees and the resulting honey shortage led to the heartbreaking realization that General Mills would have to shut down.
Sen. Mitch McConnell followed up with Fox News in a more recent interview expressing his remorse for the hasty release of the insecticide: “I was so thrilled when we won the battle in defunding Planned Parenthood, along with defeating the Zika virus, that I completely ignored the long-researched facts about the chemical itself. If I had known that I would have to give up my most beloved breakfast choices for a stupid virus, I never would have passed the bill to begin with.”
While beekeepers and cereal aficionados are currently struggling to regain their financial stability, at the very least, Planned Parenthood is up and running again, and the controversial insecticide has been recalled.
If anything good can come from this whole experience, it’s that the Microcephaly Foundation (MF) is expected to gain an abundance of research subjects in the next year and reveal even more exciting facts about the effects of the Zika virus on unborn babies. Also, the drop in the production of Honey Nut Cheerios has forced children and seniors everywhere to eat their bran flakes and led to a historical drop in irritable bowel syndrome.