TRAVIS LEFEVRE
Lampoon Editor
The United States and Russia have had a long love-hate relationship with one another. Today is no exception.
From teaming up in World War II to constantly fearing nuclear war with each other, Presidents Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin have now ushered in a new age of war between their nations. This is not a war of violence, but a war of passive aggressiveness.
New intel has leaked that over the past four years, Obama and Putin have been engaging in conversation 24/7 through burner phones and social media. All of their conversations are brief and provide no real context.
“I was looking through the messages, and they just reminded me of my daughter’s phone,” said Noah Guy, an agent for the National Security Agency. “They’ve been having one-worded conversations, usually ending with ‘fine’ or ‘K,’ and they’ve been poking each other on Facebook all the time. I really don’t understand it.”
The two world leaders haven’t seen eye-to-eye on most recent issues, and that relationship shows through the string of texts they’ve sent back and forth, most of the messages asking how they are and what they’re up to.
“It’s almost like they’re trying to fix a broken relationship, but then they find a new way to piss each other off,” said Guy. “I’ve noticed that trend in their messages.
“I’ll read the texts, and things seem to be improving, and then Russia invades the Ukraine, and it all goes back downhill. It’s like these two get some sick kick from it. The conversations usually don’t go much further than ‘How’s Russia?’ or ‘How’s the U.S.?’” Guy continued.
According to agent Guy, Obama’s phone once autocorrected “How’s Russia” to “No Russian,” which almost started a third world war. It took three months to calm Putin from an honest autocorrect error, and Obama swore he wasn’t playing “Modern Warfare 2” again.