D. ZBORNAK
Staff Lampoonist
After Colin Kaepernick’s decision to kneel during the national anthem, there has been an uproar from the population of loyal Americans whining about what it means to be respectful and patriotic in their country. Fuel was only added to the fire after a video appeared on Twitter showing presidential candidate Hillary Clinton collapse during the recent 9/11 ceremony.
According to disgusted onlookers, it was abhorrent that a presidential candidate would have the audacity to not only shrug off such a sacred American event, but to be so disinterested as to check out and take a nap. Upon interviewing, an NYC native griped that, “It’s bad enough that lazy kids and football players don’t even have enough discipline to properly stand for the country that they owe everything to. It’s inconceivable, however, that Mrs. Clinton could be so lax as to flop onto the ground in the middle of the 9/11 ceremony. I always knew she was un-American and this just proves it to the rest of the country.”
What followed over the course of the next few days were the standard howls of politically uneducated patriots dying to get their word in about why Hillary would fail them as a leader. News getting out about the candidate suffering with a bout of pneumonia was like fresh bait to the public.
In an interview following the 9/ll ceremony, Republican candidate Donald Trump told Fox News, “Clinton’s health is bad, very bad. If you’ve been paying attention like I have, you’d have noticed that she’s coughed nearly eight times this past month. My doctor said I’m strong as an ox, I’m seventy with the heart of a sixty-two year old, and my multiple personalities are moderately under control. Clinton should just sit this one out and give me the nuclear codes.”
Just like little lemmings, Trump’s followers hopped on the sickness bandwagon and flipped their lids over Clinton’s health-related lack of patriotism. It was simply too far fetched for them to fathom how pneumonia treatments have advanced since the early 19th century, and that it is indeed not a death sentence.
While there are certainly knowledgeable people in politics, their voices are greatly diminished by the rantings of deplorables all over the U.S. who don’t always seem to know what or why they are protesting. With the election drawing near, many Americans, at this point, are simply accepting whatever may come of the past year’s chaos.
In other news, another video from the recent 9/11 ceremony has appeared showing a glimpse of Donald Trump fumbling with his hair. So far, it appears that his toupee slipped just seconds before Clinton was seen collapsing. Further investigations into the scenario will not be taking place.