TRAVIS LEFEVRE
Lampoon Editor
After a wild week of students choking left and right, Cranston Marche is now scrapping its entire menu and replacing it with food you can’t choke on, even if you tried.
The change became official when, surprise, another student choked on the food in Cranston.
“It was really scary. The steak was dry and tough, but I thought nothing of it, because that’s kind of the norm around here,” said student Chris P. Bacon. “Next thing I knew I woke up to some kid slamming his fists onto my chest, and the steak shot right into his eyes. It wasn’t pretty at all.”
After this, and a number of similar incidents, Cranston will no longer offer foods that are a choking hazard like steak, chicken or bread. Instead, they will now be offering a wide variety of baby food and flavored food paste.
“We have to put the students first. That’s our priority. We can’t just let them wander in and aimlessly choke on food like this is some kind of game,” said Munch Chi, chief FSA food coordinator. “We need to make sure our students are exposed to an environment where they won’t have to worry about choking and dying. What are we, barbarians?
“We have a number of food pastes available, ranging from strawberry-flavored to salmon-flavored. We also have an assortment of baby foods where the pasta station used to be. I personally love the apple and purple carrot flavor,” Chi continued.
Many students have been complaining about the new adjustments in Cranston, even the victims of the choking phenomena.
“It was an extremely drastic change, and I don’t like it one bit,” said Bacon in a follow-up interview. “We’re in college, not a nursing home. I think I’m just gonna move off campus if this is the way it’s going to be from now on.”
The University has responded to the negativity in a note sent out to students mailboxes reading “Well, at least you’re not choking now, right?”