PATRICK BENNETT
Staff Lampoonist
Technological powerhouse and company-you-strongly-associate-with-child-labor Samsung has just released the Galaxy Note 7. The Note is a whopping five and some inches, but male customers insist it’s at least six. One haunting discovery concerning the phone is that it could explode into flames at any minute. The Note is a dangerous device.
“My lil’ baby Zanzibar was watching a ‘Sesame Street’ episode featuring 2 Chainz teaching multiplication when the phone burst into flames. I’m so happy he’s alive. My baby!” screamed Tasha Toyletta, a Brooklyn native.
The Note has not only endangered the welfare of children in gentrified areas but also students here in Fredonia. One student found that out the hard way.
“Well, I was in the shower and, well, since the Note is waterproof, I was uh, well, watching a video, and then it shocked me, and I was scared. I want my mom and dad!” sophomore and in-the shower video-watcher Biz Jilliamson said. (“Biz is not to be trusted,” his dormmate later claimed.)
After hearing about the Note’s relentless ability to spontaneously combust, the U.S. military decided to take things into their own hands and purchase all of the remaining Notes on the market. Militaristic use of the smartphone wasn’t explicit to the public until now.
Head of the military and guy-who-looks-like-he-could-bench-you Jermaine DeGains had this to say about the use of the note on the battlefield:
“I cannot stress to you how serious this issue is. Kids purchasing these phones not only need to worry about their student debt, but also whether they’re going to burst into flames while talking to their ex-boyfriend outside a sticky dance club. This is unacceptable. The military made the right decision.”
Although DeGains expressed how it was a good purchase, he never was to the point. Unfortunately, after his interview, DeGaines was eaten by an alligator.
The Lampoon sought someone in the military who knew exactly how the Note 7 would be implemented in combat. His name the Lampoon cannot reveal; nevertheless, he provided key information.
“Well, as we know, fighting an enemy as plugged into social media as ISIS can be problematic with their constant recruitment cause. ISIS loves technology. What better way to fool them by sending them these combustible Note 7,” the source said. “Sure, they can recruit on Twitter while taking a bath, but that won’t stop them from the Note’s explosive tendencies,” unseen but assumingly shadowy source said.
The fate of the Note 7 is in the U.S. military’s hands. Whether or not the phone can obliterate ISIS forces is unknown. Only time can tell.
*This article was written on a Galaxy Note 7. After it was finished, the writer, Patrick Bennett, erupted into flames. A vigil service is set to be held at the Applebee’s on Vineyard Drive this weekend.*