ALBERTO GONZALEZ
Special to the Lampoon
When looking at the recent headlines, there has been a boom in news about the growth of the middle class for the first time in years, as well as the increase in wealth in the poor in the U.S.
Although important, the U.S. census, which is updated every few years, is not just a gauge of income but is the premier source for any and all questions that are borderline frivolous in nature.
For instance, one might argue that it is much more important to focus on the growing and now second most popular religion in the United States, Pastafarianism, which is just slightly edging out the older ones. The proverbial bronze medal goes to the all-penciled-in religion of “I don’t believe in God, but I really hope there’s an afterlife, so I am not sure what that makes me. Oh jeez, this is kind of awkward. I feel like this is too much to write. It’s not like anyone will read this anyway, so oh well, I guess,” which has been penciled in almost word-for-word around 2.3 million times.
This abrupt uptick support for the Flying Spaghetti Monster has most analysts under the impression that this is a sign of a much bigger uptick in pessimism and sarcasm towards our government and life in general. This does not surprise analysts, as they have had the U.S. population reaching levels that they could only describe as “British,” as we follow their footsteps from a once-great world power to the washed-up old grandpa who sits on the front porch waiting for death to fall upon him, yet still isn’t surprised when anything happens at all because he has already seen it all. This would also go on to explain why the oldest living county in the U.S., Sumter County in Florida, also happens to be the only municipality in the whole country that has a census completion rate of over 65, which also happens to be the average age of the county, putting it on the map as the first most likely place for emergence of a new ghost town in the next 15 to 20 years.
Without this important information, we may never know when Pastafarianism takes over the country. We will only know when all of our neighbors are walking down the street wearing collenders on their heads.