ALBERTO GONZALEZ
Special to the Lampoon
In an ever-changing political landscape in the United States, our country has decided the best course of action is to take one more unified step toward what can only be described as “so safe it hurts.”
No longer are the days of living life on the edge, like some sort of rebel without a cause, as it seems the invincibility and “that only happens to countries not named America” mentality of our peoples is not turning into what would only be described a few years ago as tinfoil hat conspiracy theorist levels of uncertainty and fear. This has caused the story that refuses to die, aka Donald Trump Jr. and his Twitter account, to turn into something much more than a very poor attempt at painting a hot-button issue into an easy-to-understand metaphor.
It would seem that the large percentage of the population only thought to read the tweet and did not have enough of an attention span to read or listen to anyone about the story. It is now being simply assumed by the masses that the tweet was a big deal, not because Syrian refugees are actually harmful, but because Skittles will actually start killing very soon.
This refusal to do anything more than the very least has extended beyond our general population and has infiltrated our government (or is that backwards?), and leading security experts have warned of the candy’s major threat on not only pancreases across our nation, but also their owners, as well as everyone else’s safety.
After thousands of interrogations, it would seem that every single Skittle is pleading the Fifth. With such little to work on, the U.S. government has tried to call on well-known Skittles whisperer and now-retired NFL running back Marshawn Lynch. This, however, did not go over well, as whenever Lynch and the Skittle in question were alone in a room, he would simply start laughing, saying “I can’t believe the government is paying me for this,” eat the Skittle, and simply look around insisting that Skittle in particular won’t hurt anyone.
This has caused not just the green or orange (the leading suspects) but every Skittle within the borders of the U.S. to be placed on terrorist watch lists. They are all to be treated as dangerous, and the public is being asked to proceed with caution when near or around any Skittles. It is still unclear how the next step, to isolate the killer Skittles from the rest, will be executed, though it is being researched right now. Until the answer comes, all we, as a country, can do is avoid Skittles and hope that metaphors come out involving vegetables or exercise, because that would be much easier to avoid.