D. ZBORNAK
Staff Lampoonist
One of the greatest parts of the U.S. Constitution is the First Amendment, which protects an individual’s right to free speech, protest and overall expression of opinion, more or less. However, with recent and ongoing protests against issues such as police brutality and political insanity, the Supreme Court has ruled that the First Amendment, from now on, will only apply when the greater American majority wants it to.
Most of the time, individuals from different backgrounds with different beliefs are generally able to carry a civilized conversation regarding their views on certain topics. However, in emotionally charged political times, it’s common for people to get overzealous and even inconsistent in expressing their ideas. Then again, there is also simply a huge portion of feeble-minded morons with large mouths.
All of these components came into play toward the Supreme Court’s decision to make the validity of the First Amendment conditional. To start, there are a considerable amount of people in modern America who get an odd thrill out of running around screaming their constitutional rights with the Confederate flag sticking out of their hind-quarters. While this expression of opinion is wildly outdated and rightfully offensive, the shortsighted instigators will cry out that it is their right to free speech that allows them to act as such.
On the flip side, when an individual uses their right to free speech to protest police brutality towards black Americans or educate the public on how Donald Trump wants to destroy the world, these actions are not viewed as the proper use of free speech, but rather, anti-Americanism. In essence, while the First Amendment was initially drafted to provide Americans with the right to socio-political expression, it clearly needed to be revised in order to better fit modern America.
Without further ado, the Supreme Court announced that the First Amendment was, from now on, only applicable when desirable. From this point forward, if disagreement ensues between two parties, whoever cries the most will be in favor and be able to use their First Amendment rights in a court of law to defend their words/opinions. It has been predicted by economists that there will be a significant increase in star and stripe patterned curtains, and green businesses will flounder as real Americans take over the economy and bring back styrofoam food packaging while brushing off the hippy-pleasing ideals of non-Americans.