D. ZBORNAK
Staff Lampoonist
Not surprisingly, the first presidential debate of 2016 left most Americans in an uproar about the potential leader of the U.S. The situation became significantly more intense, however, when it was announced that Donald Trump had mysteriously disappeared shortly thereafter, and that debate moderator Lester Holt would be announcing the occurrence on “Dateline NBC” in place of holding the second debate.
After watching the debate, most Americans were strongly impacted by Trump’s inability to defend anything other than his “stamina” in contrast with Clinton’s outwardly firm and clearly dominant demeanor. To sane viewers who had not yet lost the will to live, it was evident that Clinton won the debate by a landslide, as Trump brilliantly drowned in his own infantile jargon.
A common complaint from viewers was Holt’s noticeable difficulty in effectively steering the debate. He managed to ask roughly ten questions in two hours while being severely compromised by Trump’s incoherent yet persistent interruptions.
“Forget about qualifying to be president. I can’t believe I qualified to moderate this debate without a master’s in childhood education,” Holt said in an interview after the debate. “Between Trump’s incessant prattling and the resonating sniffles, this job requires a childhood behaviorist, not a ‘nobody’ like myself.”
This inability to control the situation made the process even more frustrating for Clinton, as she struggled to get a word in. Nevertheless, her professionalism and obvious qualifications made her the champion of the debate. Much to the outrage of Trump, no less. As a matter of fact, he was seen fleeing the scene post-debate and refused to be interviewed.
Just days later, news reports stated that Trump was nowhere to be found. “Dateline” got on the case immediately and began summarizing the maniacal tale that was the debate. Hillary Clinton was invited by Lester Holt to do an interview considering her many interactions with the missing troll. She gladly accepted and, in an assured tone, gave her side of the story.
“I knew I annihilated that joke of a debate the moment Trump released all of the hot gas in his head. He did the damage for me. I just had to look presidential, and I knew I’d be set,” Clinton said.
“You were obviously the last to speak to Trump. Do you have any idea what could have happened?” Holt asked Clinton in a last-ditch effort to ask a decent question.
“Well, I can only offer an estimated guess, but as I said earlier, anyone complaining about the mic is having a bad time. It’s possible that he dropped out of the race without saying a word,” Clinton said. “Or, I mean, he did say I should try walking around without my armed guards for a while, and I did. In fact, I haven’t seen them in quite some time. Perhaps they’re working alongside Trump now.”