EMMA PATTERSON
Special to the Lampoon
The weather is cooler, stress levels are rising and LoGrasso Hall’s health center is filled with students. This can only mean one thing: election season is upon us once again.
“So far, the Fall 2016 semester has seen the largest influx of infected students in approximately eight years,” said Polly Ticks, a representative from the LoGrasso Student Health Center. “Not only are students running high fevers, but the size of their egos are unprecedented.”
Luckily, LoGrasso has recently announced that they will start providing flu shots that add an immunity to politics.
“These students are dropping like flies,” Ticks said solemnly, shaking her head. “Every day, we have kids coming in complaining of splitting migraines, nausea and of the media’s ‘bias toward the upper class.’ We hope that these new and improved flu shots can help combat how annoying—I mean, some of the pain.”
The illness itself is so contagious, students themselves often spread it without realizing it.
“I don’t know what happened,” one infected student said in an anonymous interview. He was lying on a makeshift hospital bed in LoGrasso Hall, his bedside table covered with “Get Well Soon” cards and a copy of the U.S. Constitution.
“One second, I was talking to my buddy about the recent presidential debate. The next second, we’re screaming at each other about health care and the housing market,” he shuddered slightly and said. “I don’t even know how the housing market works. I was just yelling about it like I did know, and, like, I couldn’t stop…and then I started to feel a mixture of nausea, raw panic and, like, this really strong, blind confidence,” he said, staring out the nearest window. “I don’t know how it happened. I just don’t know.”
These sentiments seem to match those of Ticks, as well.
“It’s unknown how or why this sickness occurs,” she said. “It’s like people are repeating what they see on their TVs, phones and computers. Plus, this election has been exhausting,” she said. “It could be that we’re all just exhausted.
“If you’re already infected, get to Canada,” she said simply. “Don’t even stop to pack your bags. Just go to Canada.”
However, before the end of the interview, Ticks had one more piece of advice for the students of Fredonia.
“Vote,” she said, shrugging. “You never know. Maybe it could help.”