ALBERTO GONZALEZ
Special to the Lampoon
Politics in many ways is like chess, and although this year’s political games constantly has the feel of a watered down form of checkers, there are still moves to be made. One strategical move was made last Monday during the presidential debate.
This was accomplished by Donald Trump, who said that he would release his tax paperwork when Clinton released all of the deleted emails on her server. That may seem like an oxymoron, releasing something that has been deleted, but that is, in fact, the point. It has recently been discovered that in anticipation for the debate months ago and due to an extreme overconfidence in himself, Trump saw the tax returns he had yet to give out as a possible issue in the future.
It was with this insight that he bought the services of a certain Russian hacker to take the only remaining copy of his tax returns in the IRS databases and have them emailed and held indefinitely in Hillary Clinton’s server under the title “CLASSIFIED DONT LET ANYONE ELSE SEE. I HOPE THIS ISN’T ON A PRIVATE SERVER. THAT WOULD STINK THIS IS SOME IMPORTANT STUFF HERE,” and was placed in her “Stuff I have read already” folder.
During all of this political tomfoolery unraveling during a live interview, the very next day CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer saw this as an opportunity for Libertarian party candidate Governor Gary Johnson to leverage himself in the polls.
When asked his opinion on the matter, Johnson, with a blank face that was only comparable to a dog’s face when asked if it wants to go on a walk, embarrassingly said, “I’m having an Aleppo moment again again. I don’t know who Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are?”
This has apparently only worked to Trump’s advantage, because at least up until the time of this writing, all of the recovered-deleted emails from Clinton’s emails have been released, and none of them have included any tax paperwork, proving as strong evidence that it has been totally erased from existence.