TRAVIS LEFEVRE
Lampoon Editor
The vice presidential debate finally received some mainstream attention and proved once and for all that these debates should remain irrelevant. With such an intense election season, people from all over the world tuned in hoping to see Clinton and Trump’s Mini-Me’s debate like their masters.
Instead, what viewers got was 90 grueling minutes of “emails” this and “that’s not true” that. In fact, all hope for high voter turnout was lost after the debate, with almost half of registered voters dying of boredom.
“I looked over at my dad to see how he felt about this here debate, and he was damn near dead,” said Lynn Skinn, a resident of Sweet Home, Alabama. “I threw him into the bed of my pickup o’er there and went down the street to my cousin, a self-certified doctor. My pops died before we got there. Guess he was bored to death.”
The same sob story is being heard all over the country with people dropping dead left and right, Republican and Democrat alike. 47 percent of registered voters have passed away from the effects of a normal debate.
“It all happened so quickly. One moment, she was intently watching the debate, and the next moment, he’s just not moving, blankly staring into an abyss,” said Dom I. Crate, whose wife fell victim. “She got up and changed the channel, but it was too late. She flipped the switch and dropped dead right there. On the bright side, she managed to put on ESPN.”
Not everyone felt the effects of the debate in the same way, with some reports coming out that half of the victims died of pure shock that there was an ordinary moment in this election season.
“When people get exposed to one thing for so long, something new can be shocking,” said Polly Ticks, a representative from LoGrasso Hall. “This whole election season has become so crazy that just any hint of normality could literally kill someone due to shock. Trust me, I read about it on WebMD, so it’s gotta be true. It may also just be cancer, but that’s also from WebMD.”
Side effects of the debate have been reported and include explosive snoring, impulsive grumbles of disagreement and a sudden urge to change the channel to Freeform to watch the rerun of “Jumanji.”