PATRICK BENNETT
Staff Lampoonist
This past week, Hurricane Matthew has ravaged the countries of the Caribbean and the southern coast of the United States. The Lampoon stood in front of the television screen, scratching their chins and thinking to themselves, “Are hurricanes harmful to your health?” Staff member and pseudo-science extraordinaire Theodore Carlsbad was sent down to Florida to find the truth.
As Hurricane Matthew was set to destroy communities, Carlsbad took an Uber-boat to a Floridian general hospital for cold-hard answers. While on the way, he was almost swallowed whole by a family of gators. The driver of the boat pointed out that the incoming weather had this effect on swamp creatures.
“Me and my wife, Donna, moved down here around 30 years ago. We’ve always noticed that the gators act a little more peculiar when high winds are a-coming. When the skies turn black, that’s when the swamp people holler the loudest,” boat operator and chewing tobacco enthusiast Hanky Spamoni said.
Carlsbad arrived at CatchaHootchie General Hospital mid afternoon and sought out the head doctor, Julius Palmer. Palmer had some serious concerns about Hurricane Matthew.
“Every time a hurricane comes through, I worry for the people of Florida. They’re already stressed as it is, evading families of gators and their mortgages,” Palmer said before receiving a text.
“Ugh, my wife has been hounding me about this 24-piece designer knife set, and I’ve about had it. Pass me a beer out of the mini fridge please,” he said in between checking on patients.
It was true. The hurricane had affected the people of Florida psychologically, physically and social media-wise.
In terms of psyche, people became super paranoid. Palmer described these paranoid people as “wavy” individuals, scared of losing their Priuses in high tides.
Physically, the population became heavier by drinking gallons of Mountain Dew and eating Taco Bell’s famous Gordita Crunches. Floridians successfully waved goodbye to their beach bodies and gained over 100 pounds each, rendering them immobile and less aerodynamic during high winds.
“My family always drank water and always ate a strict vegan diet. Once we heard news about the hurricane, my dad said we needed to switch to this diet. I almost emancipated myself from them, but to be honest, I love the Gordita Crunch. I’m going to get married to one!” tween and registered Taco Bell-lover Mary Papyrus said.
On social media, people couldn’t handle their click fingers and constantly shared memes they deemed “hilarious” when, in fact, they were stale and uninspired.
“My house that my great-grandfather built with his own hands was absolutely destroyed by Hurricane Matthew. However, the meme I shared on Facebook about Matthew’s eye resembling Harambe got me a bunch of likes and shares, so it doesn’t matter,” pipsqueak Devónte Magnolia said.
Carlsbad started to succumb to the pressures of being in Florida. The Mountain Dew, Taco Bell, crooked doctors and ungrateful children prompted him to resort to the “Miami technique.”
The Miami technique was an ancient process first invented by want-to-be-divorced dads of Middle America. Dads would move to Miami without notice from their families and dive into a pool of bottomless Mimosas and drug cartel heists.
Carlsbad was never heard from by the Lampoon ever again. Hurricane Matthew was eventually noticed as an extremely unhealthy hurricane for the people of Florida.