D. ZBORNAK
Staff Lampoonist
With Halloween drawing near, most of us are racking our brains for costume ideas. In this age of ingenuity, we strive to impress our peers with our creativity and innovation, but sometimes we hit a wall. Never fear: here are a few ideas to awaken your Halloween spirits.
Clown
The recent clown sightings happening all over the country provide a brilliant opportunity for the apparel designers among us. Since the U.S. has declared open season on clowns, now is the perfect time to sharpen your hunting skills. Clown hide makes great costume material because it’s multicolored, eliminating the need to spend money on brightly colored fabric. Even better, being that these are real clown skins and hair, this costume is 100 percent organic.
Plywood
This is a great costume idea for friends travelling in groups. Each person dresses up as a piece of plywood with the intent of performing the once-infamous “planking” position. In the spirit of Fredonia’s past, it is strongly suggested that you perform this act across Old Main Drive, particularly between Willy C and the library. The Ghost of Bridges Past deserves one last Halloween hurrah.
Fat Beach-goer
Let’s say you’re not the active partying type, but you still want to show some imaginative Halloween spirit. Then this costume is the perfect fit. Meteorological reports show that we are currently experiencing the warmest summer and autumn in history. Take advantage of this by laying outside on your lawn chair with a generous layer of tanning oil on your big ol’ beer gut. And hey, in addition to making a great costume, it could add some nice flare to Fredonia’s marketing if the FREDlanthropy camera crew gets you in a few of their shots.
Anti-Health Inspector
In order to effectively pull this one off, you will need to station yourself at Sunny’s. This legendary college hot spot’s history of grossness is so consistent that the manager was forced to admit they intentionally keep the place filthy because they like the humble “freshman mating ground” vibe it gives off. Therefore, it is your job as the anti-health inspector to make sure the facility meets state grime requirements. Make sure the floors have the ideal level of stickiness, and that the booze is watered down sufficiently to ensure our colleagues of their prized mediocre Halloween party experience.
Angel
Or more specifically, ANGEL. Now you might be thinking, “How does one dress like computer software?” This is actually easy as long as you prepare in advance. Make sure to stock up on textbooks from various majors, as well as your typical office supplies. You will be handing these out in place of candy. Then, on Halloween night when students are actively trick-or-treating, keep all of these items in your dorm/apartment and allow no one to access them. Students will be hopelessly confused because they are familiar with you, know you have what they came for and have relied on your consistency for years. When prompted, you will tell them you ended your services as of Oct. 1.