EMMA PATTERSON
Staff Lampoonist
All eyes will be on Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton tonight when the presidential candidates debate for the last time in Las Vegas. After being unable to turn away from the metaphorical car wreck of the previous two debates, the Lampoon has compiled a list of seven things that could totally happen at the final presidential debate.
1.) Trump and Clinton walk onto the stage wearing Halloween masks of their own faces with the song “This is Halloween” playing in the background. No one notices anything unusual or creepy about this.
2.) The candidates are carried onto the stage in adult onesies. Trump carries a rattle to occupy himself when he’s bored with the debate. He shakes it in Clinton’s face every time she upsets him. The debate runs two hours over its scheduled time so the candidates can nap.
3.) Clinton spends her entire career in the cupboard under the stairs. She and Trump face off after (what feels like) 17 years of battle. From across the ocean, Harry Potter whispers, “They’re America’s problem now.”
4.) In a desperate attempt to connect with younger voters, Clinton and Trump both try to hire the entire cast of “Hamilton” to perform at the debate. Both fail to notice the cultural relevance of the songs; Clinton calls it a “wonderful monument to American history,” while Trump refers to it as the musical about the “late, great Alexander Hamilton.”
5.) Ken Bone, who is invited to the debate to help moderate, sits between candidates and sings “Bridge Over Troubled Water” while taking selfies with his disposable camera. Ken Bone is elected president, and the internet explodes.
6.) The candidates are replaced with cats. Animal Planet covers the debate, which is moderated by the guy from “My Cat from Hell.” The candidates get sprayed with water every time they interrupt each other. Cat-Trump injures himself playing with a ball of yarn. Cat-Clinton watches, unamused.
7.) Trump says something demeaning about people who aren’t white or male. He refuses to apologize, and the country continues to cave in on itself.