D. ZBORNAK
Staff Lampoonist
With the second presidential debate completed, Americans are growing optimistic that Hillary Clinton will save the country from sure destruction by the Donald. After having the stamina sucked out of him by two women and a gay man this past Sunday, Trump has decided to throw in the towel and, like a real businessman, open his own appropriately named line of tanning salons, “Toasty Trumpettes.”
Trump’s entire campaign has been spent spewing prejudice about essentially every minority group in existence while simultaneously equating these distorted values to American patriotism. While his grandiose manner provided an abundance of entertainment for the backwoods folk of the country, the first two presidential debates had a massively sobering effect on him.
Upon being interviewed, Trump told reporters, “I didn’t know I’d actually have to, you know, understand how the government and all that stuff work to be president. People in America love me. They scream my name whenever they see me. Logically, I ran for president because everybody loves me. You can do that sort of thing when you’re famous.”
Embracing his true purpose as a businessman, Trump discussed his plans for opening a tanning salon where clients will get to choose any shade from blonde roast to Flaming Hot Cheeto.
“People have been so nice to me throughout this whole election process. So many young, beautiful women have complimented me on my cantaloupe complexion and begged to know my secret,” Trump said. “The women in all the beauty pageants have also always been in awe of my looks. That’s why I walked in on those Miss Teen USA contestants getting changed way back. You have to understand, they were very young and didn’t know how to properly apply foundation. I was merely educating them.”
There’s an old saying, “Never trust a skinny chef.” Logically, a tanning salon owned by a 70-year-old Oompa Loompa seems to have strong enough credibility for the public. The grand opening is planned to occur on Nov. 28. Trump wants to mend any frayed relations with the Clintons and hopes this will get people out to vote.
Despite this possibly successful business venture, one thing still looming over everybody’s heads is Trump’s staggering tax evasion. When asked how he would pay all of that back, he was thrilled to answer.
“Oh, I’m so glad you asked. I had an ingenious idea for that. Within Toasty Trumpettes, I’ll have a small pharmaceutical kiosk dedicated to promoting the sale of anti-diuretics. You may recall my incessant pacing back and forth during the second debate. Well, in my old age, I forgot to take a piss beforehand, and that got me thinking, most people who idolize me are ancient with 1-ounce bladders,” Trump said. “That got me thinking, if I sell a product that caters mainly to old folks, I’ll pay off my billion dollar lawsuit in no time!”