ALBERTO GONZALEZ
Special to the Lampoon
Right when Android users thought that the nightmare was over, sparks are flying, and iPhone users are getting the last laugh — until 11 months from now, when they are shelling out hundreds of dollars again for the next phone that is different only in model number and because of a handful of insignificant things. These insignificant laughs that don’t affect anyone on any level ever can be heard because of the continued troubles of the Galaxy Note 7.
After initial reports that the phones’ batteries had a problem and were prone to spontaneous combustion, the replacement phones of the same model are doing the same. This has caused the company to stop manufacturing them altogether, showing that they have never heard of the term “third time’s the charm.”
The number one way to ensure people want something is to tell them they cannot have it, and the phone’s ceasing sales is no exception. The remaining phones, before the news broke and the phones could be destroyed, were all instantly sold out across the world.
This has resulted in a constant state of panic. Not since the broadcast of “War of the Worlds” has there been such mass hysteria in the streets. Half of the population worried about falling within a blast zone at any time, and the other half worried about sticking it to “safety regulations” and bought whatever they wanted.
Many of those from war-torn countries are trying to use this as a political springboard into showing how fear and panic of death at any moment feels. This seems to be doing little, as it is drowned out by the most recent challenge called the “Snapchat Death Roulette.” This deadly challenge has participants pass around the phone connected to a charging cable and take turns one by one, taking selfies of their eyebrows from no further than three inches until the phone explodes. This problem seems to be one that we, as a society, just need to let fizzle out.