PATRICK BENNETT
Staff Lampoonist
Every year, students meet with their advisers to select the courses that best suit them for the next semester. During this interaction, the same dad joke has been told after a course selection standstill: “I can take underwater basket weaving!” The success rate in which the adviser shakes their head in embarrassment is always 100 percent. Luckily, this year the dad joke of underwater basket weaving becomes reality for students of Fredonia.
The course describes itself as “a luscious invitation to prove yourself worthy of making baskets underwater. Scuba gear not included … ” the passive aggressive periods after the scuba gear mean serious business according to instructor Jett Fogle, the brother of the former-Subway ambassador, Jared Fogle.
“The last basket weaving class I taught was in Bora Bora. You know how it was: a bunch of reality TV stars like Kylie and Kendall screaming at each other underwater about their bloated makeup line — super exhausting having to babysit that privilege. All they crafted was a working phone that could get 4G LTE service in order to post more Instagram pics! I needed to come to this town to teach. It’s really a little slice of heaven,” Jett said, in between bites of a slice of Crosby’s pizza.
Students around campus were interviewed by the Lampoon in order to gauge whether or not they’d actually be interested. Some students were absolutely opposed, while others couldn’t wait to slip into scuba gear.
“How do I feel about the new underwater basket weaving course? I’m super stoked about it to be honest. My girlfriend and I have been looking for a class we could take together without making out every single time. How are we going to swap saliva with an oxygen tank strapped to our backs? No, really. Can we make this work?” lover and creative kisser Phil Meup said.
“I cannot believe you would ask me a question like that,” deadpanned freshman Jake Rake said. “Underwater basket weaving is literally so yesterday. My mom took it in highschool and said it was overrated.”
Prerequisites for the course include: Avoiding Eye Contact with Your Past Hookups Downtown 101, How to Effectively Steal His Phone and See What Ratchet Ho He is Texting 204 and Intro to Psychology. These courses properly prepare students mentally for their underwater excursions.
The class will also be held in a secret pool underneath Maytum Hall. The pool is Fredonia’s own chamber of secrets.