Kilgore 
Trout
Guest Lampoonist
Now that you’ve failed all of your midterm exams, it’s time to think about everyone’s favorite subject: taking more classes. Unless your Powerball numbers finally get called, you’re going to have to endure yet another semester of forgetting about assignments and testing what “excused absence” really means. For the unprepared, the Lampoon has assembled a list of some of next Spring’s most promising courses, open to any and all majors.
ENGL 490: Contemporary Studies in Kid Rock
For the first time ever, the Nobel Prize in literature has been awarded to songwriter Bob Dylan. This course will take a look at the oeuvre of the artist many scholars have labeled “the Dylan of Romeo, Michigan”: Kid Rock. This in-depth examination of Rock’s career will chart his humble beginnings and rise to American icon, and explore hotly contested issues such as: is it okay to rhyme “things” with “things”? Are human beings really “born free,” as Rock has claimed? And in a post-9/11 world, what does it mean to “shake up the boogie said up jump the boogie”?
POLI 666: Literally Anything Other Than the Election
Whether it’s been two years, four years or sixteen years in the case of Hillary Clinton, this election has been an undeniably long and difficult process. As it grows more horrifying each and every day, let’s just take a step back and talk about something else for a change. U.S.-Norway relations? Sure, why not. Oil pipelines that are about to burst? That’s fun for everybody. Anything is fair game here, so long as we don’t say words that rhyme with “Ronald Shrump.”
BIO 68: Ew, Bugs?
Look, we’re gonna level with you. You got into this program for pre-med, but the time has come for you to learn about, and probably touch, a whole bunch of bugs. This class is going to look at all kinds of bugs and especially the nasty ones, so you better just accept it now, because if you don’t touch the bugs, you fail. It’s a University rule.
PHED 800: Advanced Walking Up Stairs
There may be no greater challenge facing the modern American college student than the prospect of three flights of stairs. Building off of PHED 700, Intro to Walking Up Stairs, this physical-activity-intensive course requires students to walk up the stairs in buildings such as Thompson Hall, McEwen Hall and even those weird ones by Reed Library. Students will then walk down the same set of stairs after taking a 20-minute breather. Not for the faint-hearted.
ECON $5: Intro to Pizzanomics
What is the intrinsic value of one slice of pizza? How many Little Caesars pizzas could the U.S. treasury purchase, and why haven’t they? Do toppings cost extra? This course will investigate some of the biggest issues facing American pizzanomists today.
COMM 42069: Arguing On the Internet
The internet allows people to explore entire universes of knowledge and to connect across any boundary of age, race or nation — and that’s when the insults start to fly. This course will examine the history of arguing on the internet and offer practical techniques for the next time for great-aunt posts a meme about Colin Kaepernick. Other topics will include best profanity practices, how to properly make fun of incorrect spelling, and why it’s okay to say whatever you want without having to worry about the repercussions.