D. Zbornak
Staff Lampoonist
With midterm week over and out, many students are feeling the effects of crushed self-esteem and caffeine-fueled study marathons. From the freshmen all the way through to the super seniors, chances are good that the recent exams have most people questioning their majors, abilities, career goals, life decisions and more. While not unexpected, the all-consuming self-doubt can really put a damper on the excitement of college (at least before finals week). To alleviate the symptoms of PMSD, consider each of the following tips …
1.) Visit a Haunted House
Sometimes, an adrenaline rush is all it takes to quiet the discouraging voices in your head. Since it’s Halloween season, take advantage of the cheap therapy and give yourself nightmares for a week. Few things are more effective at distracting you from the gloominess of PMSD than hallucinations of murderers in your shower and clowns in your closet.
2.) Alcohol
If you’re 21 or older and in need of a quick fix for melancholia, the best solution just may be a bottle of your mom’s secret home remedy. It helped her power through your temper tantrums growing up, and it can just as easily take the edge off of your test-induced emotional despair.
3.) Take Easy Online Tests
No, not the BuzzFeed variety. Find some free online college courses in the easiest topics available. You think you bombed your calculus midterm? Or how about that life-size sculpture of Poseidon you needed to create in order to finish up your degree? Well, there’s nothing like acing a Harvard exam on bubble blowing or dish washing to remind you of how intelligent you are, regardless of what your transcript says.
4.) Speed Dating
If you’re really stuck in the mental trap of PMSD, have your friends hook you up for a few speed dating sessions. Find ten or twenty interested participants. and give yourself sixty seconds to impress each individual one of them. Obviously you’ll do a horrible job, but you’ll be so flustered looking for the right words that you’ll be completely distracted from that 51 percent on OnCourse staring into your soul.
5.) Start Studying for Finals, but Not Too Hard
Maybe these first four tips were of no use to you, and all you think about is your imagined academic failure. Maybe your natural reaction is to move forward and prepare for the next academic hell week that lies ahead. If this describes you perfectly, then get on with it and crack open the books. Here’s the catch though: don’t study too hard. Study just enough that you kill time but not enough to feel like you’ve absorbed any information. This way, come exam time, you’ll have much lower expectations for yourself and won’t be in such turmoil when you think you butchered your tests.
6.) Run for Congress
Because while it’s ideal, you don’t have to be a success story to work in politics.