D. ZBORNAK
Staff Lampoonist
U.S. citizens across the country are mourning the long-anticipated death of American Decency. While its stamina was sort of up in the air for quite some time, American Decency had undoubtedly experienced an astronomical drop in strength this past year. American historians had initially predicted a date of death for Nov. 8 of this year, but as we all know, these tragedies can happen at at any time.
It’s common knowledge that American Decency led an arguably ironic lifestyle, all starting from its birth as the circumstantial love child of psychotic invaders and Native inhabitants, and carrying on through to its prideful, patriotic adult years supplemented by not-so-subtle racism. One could almost see it as the morally corrupt lawyer that you let slide because they smile charmingly and pick up the beer tab. Nevertheless, it always had a deceptively classy overtone that helped override its socially divisive tendencies.
Americans have long preached about their love for their country and the respect they have for their fellow citizens. This patriotic mental foundation always gets a little shaky around election time. Everybody suddenly works for the CIA, the most unintelligent individuals wail out their newfound expertise in the inner workings of the government, and the country engages in a year-long feces-throwing parade. But post-election, everybody agrees to disagree and goes back to hating each other with smiles on their faces. Right back to good old American Decency.
Unfortunately with the conditions of this year’s election, American Decency was not capable of going out quite so elegantly. In a time where Twitter wars are more informative than the actual debates and elders behave like toddlers, the people of America have displayed horrendous behavior that has shocked the world. We collectively said goodbye to the days when a prospective president would be of only the highest-esteemed disposition and welcomed the new age of mocking paraplegics to gain humor points from voters.
As the days and weeks progressed, we’ve seen a significant rise in hate crimes, frequent use of the term “libtard” and the development of a “Deplorable Pride” day (Nov. 28). This national infection of embarrassment and stupidity grew out of control and reached its limit with Donald Trump’s frequent allusions to harming his competitor. This was the official end of American Decency. Its condition was declared terminal by 99 percent of the world population as of the final presidential debate, leaving countless Americans in despair. The worst part of all this seems to be the realization that we will be coexisting with its dead, stinking corpse for the next four years. There is not a casket big enough for the bloated remains of American Decency.
The unfortunate mortal is survived by its quarreling parents, the Democratic Party and Republican Party, and its younger siblings, the Green Party and the Libertarian Party. Let it be known that on its deathbed, the victim’s last wishes were that its parents quit acting so petty and get it together so America can push the apocalypse forward a little bit and enjoy a less volatile existence. In lieu of flowers, the family asks that all Americans take a basic chemistry class to learn why a potential nuclear war would be a bad idea and not a cool way to express patriotism.