EMMA PATTERSON
Staff Lampoonist
It’s no secret that this presidential election has been, in short, exhausting. Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump have been met with either lukewarm acceptance or alarming reverence from voters, resulting in this being the first election people under the age of 30 have actually cared about in years. With so much controversy swirling around the candidates, the Lampoon staff has decided to officially endorse the person who we think can turn all of our frowns upside down: David S. Pumpkins.
You’ve heard it all before, most likely from irritable elderly neighbors or from the guy behind the deli counter: “We need a leader who can drastically change our country for the better.” Instead of being an old guy who will transform the U.S. into a festering sewage dump of misogynists and racists, Pumpkins is an old guy who will treat every day in this glorious country like a day at an amusement park. Here at the Lampoon, we value orange pumpkins over orange skin and hair any day.
Pumpkins is a perfect representation of what makes America great: He’s loud, he loves Halloween and he’s not afraid to get down on the dance floor. Basically, David Pumpkins is the delightfully weird father you’ve always wanted. And who’s more qualified to run the country than your dad?
“I’m David Pumpkins, and I’m gonna scare the hell out of you!” was the first thing we ever heard him say, and that’s when we knew he was The One. During a contentious election where both candidates scare the hell out of us, hearing Pumpkins flat-out admit his motives is like a breath of fresh air.
Where did we find Pumpkins, you ask? Is he from something? Like, maybe a local commercial? We know you have questions about Pumpkins’ past, Fredonia students, but the truth is, his past doesn’t matter. As he’s been heard saying himself, “David Pumpkins is his own thang.” Unlike the other presidential candidates, David Pumpkins has nothing to hide. His biggest supporter, Dancing Skeleton on the Right, is behind David Pumpkins all the way, and honestly, the way this election has been going, that’s good enough for us. Any Questions?