PATRICK BENNETT
Staff Lampoonist
Whether you’re wearing a fanny pack with mom jeans combo or a camo hoodie with matching camo Crocs, you’re showing people what you’re all about (even though we’d rather not know you if you’re wearing camo Crocs). This past week, the Lampoon was determined to extract meaning out of both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton’s attire during the presidential race.
To start, an examination on the candidate’s previous clothing-wearing habits was conducted.
According to a phone interview with Clinton’s son-in-law Marc Mezvinsky, Clinton has always been liberally dressed in a home setting.
“Whenever I’m over to have breakfast with Chelsea and the kids, she’s wearing red, white and blue sweatpants with an oversized T-shirt. Usually she wears this while cutting out a bunch of coupons, staring at me as I munch on my low-fat English muffin. I’m so glad she hired Pinky to get some real results,” Mezvinsky said.
Pinky Davidson, former Laguna Beach dog-walker turned stylist for Clinton, indeed garnered critical acclaim for guiding Clinton to greener pastures. Davidson spilled the secrets in an intimate and personal fashion tell-all with Anderson Cooper at an Old Country Buffet.
“Oh puh-lease. Hillary originally wanted one of those ‘can I speak to your manager’ haircuts coupled with these gargantuan hoop earrings my little dotson Chester could hop through. I said, ‘If you’re going to be president, you need to show these people real fashion.’ So I just called Ralph, and he did the rest,” Davidson said, shrugging his shoulders and shoveling fried chicken into his mouth.
“I wanted each and every outfit to illustrate something to the American people. For the first debate, the all-red pantsuit recalled the time that Hillary funnelled the blood of a Patriots fan at an all-too-rowdy Bills game tailgate. The second navy blue and white suit recalled the time Hillary took a dab with Joe Biden and emailed the U.S. Navy to ask if they wanted to play a game of online Battleship. For the third and final debate, she wanted to wear an all-leather dress, something that a Spice Girl would wear. I literally said ‘no,’ and she thankfully agreed on a white-as-baking-soda pantsuit,” legendary fashion designer Ralph Lauren said.
The secrets for Clinton’s fashion were out. But Trump’s remained a mystery. The Lampoon sought Trump’s stylist and Walmart CEO, C. Douglas McMillon, for answers.
“Trump is interesting. I talked to him about what he likes to wear to gauge his prospects. Usually, he just shops at Spencer’s, wearing Bob Marley shirts or hoodies with lewd illustrations on them. He’s my boo thing, but I couldn’t let this happen during the debates. I mean, he wanted to wear his moccasins as well! Instead, I hooked him up with the exclusive Walmart suit line MIC, or made in China. This suit line is ideal for men’s formal wear. The blazer comes in three distinct shades, and there are so many clip-on ties to choose from. Trump loved them,” McMillon said.
When asked about the suit that McMillon was wearing at the time of the interview, he nonchalantly replied with a grin, “This? Oh, I got it at Target.”
In Brooklyn, Instagram fashion icons are taking Trump’s Walmart suit wear and Clinton’s chic and intimidating pant-suit to the next level.
“There is no irony in what we wear. I am nothing but star-dust trampled by existentialism and gourmet Korean take-out. You have a cigarette I can bum?” said Iris Noname, in a monotone voice.
Overall, the presidential nominees have had a superb season of fashion. The Lampoon urges voters to look at what they’re wearing, instead of what they’re saying, when choosing the next president.